I have a growing collection of photos of the inside of my pants pocket. I don’t mean to. It’s one of those technology things. At least I’m not “butt-calling” anyone like one of my uncles manages to do on a routine basis. Again, technology. I carry my cell phone in the pocket … [Read more...]

First came my “revolting period.” A period of loneliness when women looked at my pocked face, repulsed, while muttering words such as ugly or gross out or double cheeseburger on rye. The last one never made sense, but I used to hear it a lot before I was fired from that fascist … [Read more...]

NEW-RELATIONSHIP CONTRACT (INFORMAL VERSION) [Note: Use this precedent if you are a typical adult male] DATE:[Insert] PARTIES: 1) [Insert name of typical adult male] 2) [Insert name of woman] DECLARATIONS: [Note: Insert the male’s requests below. Standard ones are … [Read more...]

I must confess: I’m new to baseball. As I watched my local team, the Philadelphia Phillies, advance through the 2009 playoffs, I relied on my baseball-savvy friends to teach me the players’ names and rules and such. What followed was a crash course in basics of the sport and the … [Read more...]

The last time I went to the dentist she cleaned my teeth, and then with a disappointed and horrified look on her face she handed me a gum massager: "You need to use this twice a day. Everyone should.” I replied “To be honest, I’m brushing three times a day. I’m flossing. I’m not … [Read more...]