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I swear never to purchase another gargantuan shopping club package of paper towels, toilet tissue, disposal cups, behemoth cellophane packs of cooking spray, unliftable containers of cat litter and laundry detergent, cases of soft drinks, banquet-sized entrees and mounds of … [Read more...]
I’m a simple person. Admittedly, it doesn’t take much to entertain me when I’ve made up my mind to check out. A boring church service, dinner with my in-laws: I’m gone. While most people ruminate over their portfolio, I’ll focus on what life would be like if I were born with … [Read more...]
“Lawton Raynell Shnardlicker, if you were any hotter, the janitor would find a pile of ashes where you currently stand!” Never one to lack confidence, Lawton squeezed a dab of Crest onto his index finger and rubbed his remaining front tooth, then licked his finger and wet the … [Read more...]
I was wandering through the maze of department store aisles, searching unsuccessfully for the area which would surely change my mood from merely apprehensive to downright miserable. As I passed two saleswomen deep in conversation, I said, “Excuse me, do you know where the … [Read more...]
Last week, my wife and I were painting her mother's house. I lack both the skill and the wardrobe to be a good house painter, which is fine because I also lack the inclination. I have never seen the point in having more than one pair of shoes, and I can't bring myself to ruin a … [Read more...]