The San Francisco Kennel Club is having their annual dog show next weekend. How many of you own dogs? I love dogs. Aren’t they great? I own two myself. Ahhh, but how many of you own purebred, pedigreed dogs? People can go crazy with stuff like that, and that’s putting it mildly. … [Read more...]

The last time I went to the dentist she cleaned my teeth, and then with a disappointed and horrified look on her face she handed me a gum massager: "You need to use this twice a day. Everyone should.” I replied “To be honest, I’m brushing three times a day. I’m flossing. I’m not … [Read more...]

I must confess: I’m new to baseball. As I watched my local team, the Philadelphia Phillies, advance through the 2009 playoffs, I relied on my baseball-savvy friends to teach me the players’ names and rules and such. What followed was a crash course in basics of the sport and the … [Read more...]

NEW-RELATIONSHIP CONTRACT (INFORMAL VERSION) [Note: Use this precedent if you are a typical adult male] DATE:[Insert] PARTIES: 1) [Insert name of typical adult male] 2) [Insert name of woman] DECLARATIONS: [Note: Insert the male’s requests below. Standard ones are … [Read more...]

First came my “revolting period.” A period of loneliness when women looked at my pocked face, repulsed, while muttering words such as ugly or gross out or double cheeseburger on rye. The last one never made sense, but I used to hear it a lot before I was fired from that fascist … [Read more...]