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I have not had a cookie in three days. I'm not happy about that. There's not even a patch for this sort of thing. And who would be the person responsible for this deprivation? The very same woman who in six weeks will promise to love me for the rest of our lives. I'm beginning … [Read more...]
Halloween is near. I can always tell how close it is by the amount of miniature chocolate bars I’ve consumed. And since the empty wrapper to unopened candy ratio is about a bazillion to one, I’m certain the day is upon us. I should stop buying the treats ahead of time, but that … [Read more...]
About two days out of every month I honestly want to twist my head off and hurl it at anyone who chews too loud, walks too slow, drives a PT Cruiser, or parts their hair too far to the side. I’m not proud of it, and I assure you I am working on it. But my hormones get together … [Read more...]
My day-old career as a substitute teacher ended shortly after Labor Day, when a sophomore biology student fainted during the introductory blood-typing demo, soiling her wardrobe in the process. Her underachieving but clever classmates took wild advantage, feigning panic and … [Read more...]
A year after Adam and Eve's premature, Biblical departure from the Garden of Eden, the chief income tax agent in Edenton province called Adam to his cave to discuss their joint income tax return. "I'm sorry to call you in like this," the agent began, "but we don't have … [Read more...]