I don’t know how to break it to those poor guys in California, but we are drowning in water back east. We have so much water that just this morning, I took a bubble bath just to watch the bubbles burst — and create a few extra bubbles, too.
Governor Brown declared a water state of emergency a while back due to this severe drought. Californians have a good man in that office. We wish we had a good governor here, but we can’t have everything. We have high taxes and our top man just increased them. Wait, Californians also have this problem. But we have a lot of water. And this makes the pain of taxation a little easier to swallow.
The governor’s office said the proclamation gives state water officials “more flexibility to manage supply throughout California under drought conditions.” State agriculture officials are trying to inform the public about these growing desperate water problems. Other homegrown disasters like earthquakes and firestorms must now take a back seat to this newer plague affecting the state.
Recently, the Water and Agriculture Committee came up with a list of ten best ways to save water:
1) All pee pee is now to be deposited in government-issued plastic cups and fed to vegetable plants.
2) Illegal immigrants will be required to bring their own water supply for every day they stay in the State of California.
3) Showers will soon be permitted only once per week. Precious shower water must then be recycled and the tainted muck must be used to cook pasta.
4) When perspiring, families will need to scrape sweat into county-issued containers. Certified water collectors will pick up daily collections every evening to be desalinated and used for drinking.
5) Residents will be given tax credits on vacation trips to Mexico where they will be encouraged to drink as much Mexican water as possible.
6) The state will soon hire Native American rain dancers to kick up a few thunder clouds. Bonus awards will be given to the best weekly kicker.
7) Californians will be encouraged to place ads on Craigslist personals seeking free water in exchange for sex in Nevada.
8) Longtime residents will be asked to migrate east for a change to help lower the population growth.
9) Although this is considered counterintuitive, Californians are now being required to pollute the planet faster so more ice melts and drains down to southern coastal towns.
10) A new ordinance by Governor Brown mandates funeral homes to freeze-dry dead people before burial and collect the cadaver water to be recycled.
Tim Quinn, the executive director of the Association of California Water Agencies, said the governor’s emergency declaration enhances attention to the drought. At a public meeting recently, he said that Californians tend to listen to sound advice when channeled through official organs of government even when the mandates sound a little unorthodox.