What do Alex Rodriguez, Lance Armstrong, and Louisa May Alcott have in common? Ok, yeah, chiseled calves would be an acceptable answer. What was that? A pathological fear of mermaids? I guess that works too, but not what I was thinking.
No, I was referring, of course, to news reports concerning steroids. After high profile crackdowns on the use of performance enhancing drugs on sports fields and arenas and tracks and rinks and gyms and courts and rings and tables and pools and pool tables (the prevalent steroid use in ping pong is known as ‘Forest Gumpin’), the DEA is extending its investigation to other professions.
It started when people’s suspicions made the obvious leap from baseball to proctology. Turns out a whopping 64% of proctologists were putting the ‘roids’ in hemorrhoids, if you know what I mean. I know you do, Alan…
Soon after, the scrutiny turned towards plumbers. Investigators required all plumbers to undergo mandatory urine tests. Plumber Rusty Sullivan, relieved of his post after testing positive for Human Growth Hormone (HGH), explained, “The pressure to be able to clear a tough clog was rising, and I cracked. Just needed a little something extra for those larger hairballs.”
Now, the heat has turned on writers. The recently published biography Not-So-Little Women: The Louisa May Alcott Story details how the author would beef up before a long night of writing. Other authors accused of hitting the juice include A.A. Milne, Vladimir Nabokov, and beloved children’s book writer and national treasure Judy Blume.
One author is putting her foot down; despite pressure from the public to come clean, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling has refused to submit to a drug test. A source close to Rowling claims that she “downs steroids like they’re Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans.” Rowling dismissed the accusation as “utterly riddikulus.”
Despite this denial, there has been talk of stripping the award-winning author of her Lifetime Achievement Award and her Author of the Year Award. Another source is concerned about Rowling’s thinly veiled “roid rage.” “When Rowling is on the juice, she just loses it. One time she said, ‘bollocks’ and tipped her teacup over. It was shocking. Just shocking.”
Apparently, such outbursts are becoming more and more common for the ordinarily polite British author. Amidst such revelations, many take her refusal to submit to a test as an admission of guilt. Whatever this investigation turns up, it is clear that Rowling is just another celebrity whose impeccable reputation has been tarnished.
It begs the question: what profession will be the next to fall from grace?*
*Spoiler Alert: It’s botany.