So there I am, sitting down to dinner amidst all of the bladder control, abdominal gas problems and gum disease commercials playing on TV during the DINNER hour! Toenail fungus? Beano commercials? What is it with these folks? They spend 10 seconds telling you that the gas won’t be a problem anymore and the next 50 telling you how this pill can kill you.
Really loud announcer: “Do you have problems with gas? The pain! The odor! The Embarrassment!
“With Biogasolium your worries are over. Biogasolium converts your gas to tiny, carefree bubbles of Chanel no.5 eau de parfum and everyone will love you for it. Turn your toots into treats with Biogasolium. Remember … When the moment is right … there’s Biogasolium!
”Hush toned, rapidly speaking voice: “Don’t take Biogasolium if you wash your hands everyday as this might cause your fingers to implode. Don’t use Biogasolium if you’re out in sunlight for more than two minutes a day as this may cause a slight case of spontaneous combustion. Biogasolium is not for anyone who might have a liver.
“Biogasolium combines with human saliva to form hydrofluoric acid so talk to your doctor before taking Biogasolium to see if it’s ok for you to ingest hydrofluoric acid.
“In some cases there is a slight chance of blood squirting up from your intestines, through the stomach and esophagus and out through your nose so don’t drive until you know Biogasolium does not cause this condition in you.
“Don’t take Biogasolium if you are an idiot. Simple tests can determine if you are an idiot.
“If you experience a single, continuous episode of flatulence lasting more than four hours stop taking Biogasolium, call your doctor immediately and stay away from large dogs and open flames.”
Perky music and a return to the original announcer:
“End the pain, the embarrassment. Talk to your doctor today to see if Biogasolium is right for you!”
Ok, seriously, can you ever possibly eat dinner again after seeing that?
In between all of those tasty little morsels of Madison Avenue creativity we get to watch the occasional TV program. Sometimes I watch ABC World News with David Muir. Each night he takes us on a journey to a horrible place. It could be to Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, California mud slides, riots, fires … anywhere in the world where terrible things are happening.
Floods in Australia – David is there. Earthquake in Haiti – David is there. Tsunami in Sri Lanka – David is there. By the way, how does David get to these places when the rescue workers can’t? He interviews people who have no food or water. Can’t he bring along a crate or two of MREs or some Evian Water? Even a stale Taco would be appreciated I’m sure. I mean seriously … stop by McDonald’s on the way and load up some McNuggets … something.
I really don’t like sitting there gorging myself on a thick, juicy steak and have to see these poor people waiting for David to clip his toenails so they’ll have something to eat!And after he’s taken us along on his journey into Dante’s Inferno he smiles and says, “We’ll be right back after these words…” Those words turn out to be 17 straight bodily function commercials.
Next is a collage of bad weather scenes. Snow in Chicago, New York, New England, Atlanta and everywhere. Rain soaked houses in California falling into sinkholes. David continues: “Snow and artic cold temperatures in 49 of 50 states.”
Then he brings on some “Expert” who emphatically claims this is all due to Global Warming! Excuse me … if it’s Global Warming then why is it 16 degrees outside? It’s the middle of January and we’ve had freezing temperatures since November. It’s snowed three times this week. Wind chills are in the single digits. I’ve got Jack Frost so far up my ass I don’t need ice cubes in my drink. To me … I’ll buy into this Global Warming thing when I can golf here in February wearing shorts, sun block and a big shady hat.
Yeah, TV and dinner don’t mix anymore but maybe that’s a secret Government plan to help us all lose weight. Who can watch TV and actually enjoy eating? Whatever happened to the good, clean, comfy commercials?
“Calgon … take me away.”
Nice, soothing thoughts of a relaxing bubble bath. Now we have to hear about just what might be making those bubbles … and it ain’t pleasant.