Having been single for 22 years of my 21 year-old life, I know a lot about relationships. Naturally, the following conversation is one I find myself having with friends a lot: “How do you grocery shop with your boyfriend?”
Friend: “Just tell him you’re going grocery shopping.”
Me: “But how do you grocery shop with him.”
Friend: “Tranquilize him and put him in your shopping cart propped upright with sunglasses on so no one suspects a thing and then just shop.”
Me: “But how do you grocery shop with him while he’s conscious?”
Although I don’t appreciate my friends beating around the bush I agree to help by writing a three-step process for how to successfully grocery shop with your boyfriend.
The first step to grocery shopping with your boyfriend is in the pre-shop phase known as planning. Planning is a concept in which you plan for something by not going into it without a plan. Your boyfriend believes that to have a good relationship the two of you need to give and take. Smack him off his unicorn and deflate the rainbow beneath that unicorn’s hooves because he is a naive idiot.
Humans were created to take care of themselves. This step is inspired by George Orwell’s, 1984. Drag your man candy down to your apartment dungeon. Tie him to a chair, whip out your pocket Taser, and read him your grocery list. Then, ask him what he wants at the grocery store. Every time he says something that is not on your list, Tase him. After about an hour of this you’ll find that he genuinely only wants what is on your list. Then just for fun, try to see if he’ll believe 2+2=5.
Now it’s time for the shopping phase. You are at the grocery store and so far so good. Your boyfriend hasn’t blinked or changed his expression, which means he is still acting obediently. Twenty-minutes in however, you notice him blink and start to act like a living human so you begin to panic. He says that he wants to buy some kale which has no place on Earth let alone your grocery list. Take him to the vegetable aisle where you know it’s empty and tase him like you did before.
However this time it’s not working. Use guilt. Grab the list you keep in your bra of all the favors you’ve ever done for him. In a healthy relationship you must always have a list of when you have done him favors so that he feels obligated to do you favors. Now read it off to him. “One time I picked up your mom from the airport.” “One time I took care of your dog.” “One time I helped you unzip your penis from your jeans.” Now he’s sitting there feeling like a terrible person and he’ll never try to pull the wool over your beady eyes again.
You’re home and everything is all good right? No, you credulous twit, everything is not good because he found his list of things he did for you and it’s longer. Quickly go to the kitchen and cook up a recipe with all of your ingredients. Now, dump some heroin in the cinnamon mustard tater tot lasagna and feed it to him. After a bite he’ll be hooked. He’ll say “Wow, sexy girlfriend, you sure know how to grocery shop!”
Boom. Hooray! Now you can have your spoiled milk and chew it too. I would say have your cake and eat it too, but he’s a boyfriend, which is about as awesome as spoiled milk. Having one doesn’t have to ruin your life though. Just follow these three steps and you’ll never have to worry about his awful taste in groceries again.