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When I was a teen-ager, my mother had somewhere gotten the idea that I would make a fine priest. She began subtly pressing the case when I turned fourteen, often saying things to me like, “Shy people make wonderful priests,” and “We don’t have a priest in the family, Edward.” At … [Read more...]
I swear, new parents can be so competitive, always comparing what their babies did and when. “Susie walked at eight months.” (Yeah, right.) “Junior here was potty-trained at six months.” (And probably wet the bed till college, bless his heart.) I’ve even heard moms comparing how … [Read more...]
The other day I saw the ugliest Mary Kay lady ever. I’m talking boo nasty. She was in the Wal*mart parking lot, loading up her pink rig, which, incidentally, is no longer a Cadillac or even a Lincoln. Now, apparently, the top sellers get -- hold onto your eyelash curlers -- pink … [Read more...]
A woman can tell how much her man loves her, not by the things he buys her, or the love he professes, but whether he will pooper-scoop after the dog. “He’s your dog,” my husband grouses, settling back on pillows to watch the White Sox game. “But if you really loved me,” I … [Read more...]
Like a trumpeter who has lost his lip, I’m a chick who has lost her hip. Not the skeletal ball/joint variety (my post-pom pomming pelvis is just fine, thank you very much!) I refer instead to the metaphorical hip. Translation: I can no longer distinguish the cool from the drool. … [Read more...]