"AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR!"TM SHOWCASE
Check Out Our Humor Writing Contest Results!
Congratulations to the Winners, Finalists, Semi-Finalists & Honorable Mentions in our
AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 2009
Writing Contest!
Click any headline below to see the full entry, then scroll up or down to see other entries in the group.
All entries are carefully reviewed based on our exclusive "H-U-M-O-R"SM judging criteria:
- H = Humor -- Does it make us laugh?
- U = Universality -- Is it fairly "clean"?
- M = Moxie -- Does it have plenty of zing?
- O = Originality -- Is it fresh and new?
- R = 'Riting -- Is it well-'ritten?
(OK, "Writing," but we couldn't judge entries on their "H-U-M-O-W", could we?)
You, too, can get in on the fun, get published and win your share of $250.00 in prize money!
Enter "America's Funniest Humor"TMWriting Contest to claim (or regain) a spot in our Humor Showcase!
Join The Fun! Enter Our Humor Writing Contest Today!
AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 2009 WINNERS...
(CLICK ANY TITLE TO SEE ENTRY)
Offspring Of The Marvel/Disney Marriage
By Joel Schwartzberg,
One of the biggest reasons The Walt Disney Company acquired Marvel Entertainment was to boost Disney’s attraction to boys. But strategy is one thing, successful
Callous Remarks
By David Crawford,
My bare feet were making a funny “Rrrip-Rrrip” sound as I walked across the carpet. Looking down, I discovered the edges of my heels resembled
The "S" Word
By Ann Thomas,
One amazing gift of becoming Unmistakably Old is free time. Past a certain age people assume you’re supposed to do little or nothing, exempting you
When A Road Warrior Marries A Road Wimp
By Cindy P.,
January 2, 2016
There are good travelers and bad travelers, road warriors and road wimps, those who think the highway is a paved adventure and those who know
POLIanTICS: A Primer for Those Who Don't Know Their Left From Their Right
By William Schmitt,
The French political philosopher, Alexis De Tocqueville, said that in a democracy, “We get the government we deserve.” That's why people don't like the French,
AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 2009 FINALISTS...
(IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER BY AUTHOR)
How To Be (Safely) NOT NICE In A Politically Correct World
By Debra Joy Hart,
Being over 50 I have come to the conclusion that "being nice" is waaaaaaay over-rated. Sometimes I dream about giving a scorpion as a present.
Why I'm Crotchety
By William Schmitt,
I turned 57 today, and I'm not too happy about it. Everything about getting old is bad, at least physically. I just got back from
Increasing Life Span Forcing Funeral Homes Out of Business
By Scott Sleek,
News from the Future The funeral business has always been considered immune to economic slowdowns. Death doesn’t take a vacation during a recession. But now
Were Seven Days Enough?
By Riva Stone,
Analysis and Critique I’m good at some things and terrible at others. I can’t sing and I can’t cook. I know enough to refrain from
A Personal Message From DoomSayersDirect.com
By Amy Ward,
A Personal Message from DoomSayersDirect.com Dear Recipient: We are sorry to inform you that your present situation has reached an unsatisfying (for you) conclusion. Although
Throwing In The Towel
By Mary Beth Weisenburger,
I found a cryptic note in the laundry room the other day, pinned haphazardly to a well-worn bath towel on the floor. It said: “Dear
“Today’s Humor—Whither?” or “What’s so Funny, Buster?”
By Joel Habush,
My speech today is about the challenges facing today’s budding humor writers. It’s also only about 750 words long, so there will be no need
Criminal Compassion With Kenny MacAskill
By Kevin Craner,
“Compassion and mercy are about upholding the beliefs that we seek to live by, remaining true to our values as a people. No matter the
The Wave Rider
By David Crawford,
I finally tried the Pretend Surfing/Sinus-Cleaner-Outer/Ballistic Enema machine at the new pool on the weekend. It’s an artificial wave thing that has jets of water
It's A Wonderful Meat
By Amber F.,
Not many myths about him are true. Sure, he wears the red suit, has that white beard, and he is plump. Disgustingly so. And, yeah,
AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 2009 SEMI-FINALISTS...
(IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER BY AUTHOR)
Listen To Me
By Cindy Argiento,
“Before you read the mail, we need to talk,” I told my husband. “No good ever comes from those words,” he replied as he eyed
Human Diversity Report Irritates The British People
By Carlos Arnade,
Across England crowds erupted in protest in opposition to the United Nation’s human diversity report, which recently published genetic sequences of human subjects from six
Millions Of Americans Are Diagnosed With Deficit Attention Disorder
By Carlos Arnade,
A team of Pentagon budget planners, economists, and psychologists recently analyzed forty years worth of personal finance data from twenty-four U.S. cities and reported that
Thanksgiving Makeover
By Laura Bridgwater,
I know that parents wear many hats—Nurse, Teacher, Police Man, Taxi Driver, Midnight Diapernator—but I must have missed the chapter that describes the overwhelming duties
If You Don't Read This, I Will Kidnap Your Family
By Pete Lopez,
Okay, now that I have your attention, it’s highly unlikely that I would actually go through with the kidnapping. Besides the obvious concerns of serving
Get A (Virtual) Life
By Shane McAfee,
I enjoy playing video games from time to time. I have invested in several video game systems over the years. After all, I like it
How Better Health Care Can Save the Economy
By Dan McGinley,
Unless you live way out in the woods like me, tending to barrels of sour mash whiskey in 55-gallon drums, you’ve probably noticed a lot
That's No Moon
By Danielle Mutarelli,
Star Wars is fantastic for little boys. Or so I thought. Wholesome, teaches good values, what could be wrong with Star Wars? It seemed that
What Time Does The Liquor Store Close?
By Debbie Patrick,
The top 5 reasons why I’m going to have a martini tonight. 1. During afternoon centers Jack didn’t make it to the bathroom in time
My Foray Into Journalism
By Richard Pierce,
Recently I came across an ad in my university’s newspaper that read, “WRITER WANTED.” I was determined to get the job. Since a very young
Confessions Of A Husband Beater
By Katherine Turski,
I beat my husband the other night. I couldn’t help it, he asked for it. “I’m tired of playing games,” I said. “How much more
Toilet Paper, On A Roll... Or Wipe Out
By Jo Worsham,
For those of you who have a long way to go before Medicare Part Z, you may not fully appreciate toilet paper, a.k.a., toilet tissue.
AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 2009 HONORABLE MENTIONS...
(IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER BY AUTHOR)
Laundryville ... Where Life Lessons Are Free
By Vicky DeCoster,
January 2, 2016
Somewhere in the distance, I heard the sound of coin after coin dropping into a silver tray. I jerked awake expecting to find myself in
A Dinosaur Named Who?
By Sue Anna Langenberg,
January 2, 2016
A friend admitted that she had way too much time at an airport recently. She had done her exercise walk and had removed her terrorist
Spray Bottles: Punishing Cats Since 1947
By Weston Locher,
January 2, 2016
My girlfriend has a secret weapon in the never-ending battle with our cats. It’s not catnip, it’s not a special toy, and it’s not a
Cube Farm Fever
By Shane McAfee,
January 2, 2016
Over the last 9 years, I have worked one type of job or another that involved sitting at a desk within a cubicle. For those
But Wait! There's More!!
By Rose Mula,
January 2, 2016
Okay, that’s it. My TV has to go. I can’t afford to keep it. No, it’s not guzzling too much electricity. But whenever I turn
How To Get Ripped Off
By Saralee Perel,
January 2, 2016
I’ve allowed myself to become too dependent on my husband, Bob. So last week I decided to be in charge of buying new tires for
Men And Aging
By Caroline Reid,
January 2, 2016
An article online caught my eye the other day. It was a list of ways that women could look 20 years younger. I gave up
Pocketbook Parameters
By Diane R.,
January 2, 2016
Having five sisters does present some additional hurdles in life; more long distance phone calls, extra company on the weekends, and a myriad of relationship
Airlines Stop Providing Seats On Domestic Flights
By Scott Sleek,
January 2, 2016
News from the Future In their latest effort to trim operating costs, both AmeriUnited Airlines and Continental Airlines announced yesterday that they will no longer
My Neighborhood Bank
By Ann Thomas,
January 2, 2016
I’ve noticed, as I’ve grown Unmistakably Old, that everything seems to be changing. Yesterday morning was a perfect example. It was my day for banking.
Man For All Seasons, Woman Of All Fashions
By Katherine Turski,
January 2, 2016
The Man For All Seasons There are men who want us to believe they’re like an SUV. They’re rugged, and can travel any terrain. They’re
Doll-Sized Economic Indicators
By Laura Bridgwater,
January 2, 2016
I was driving in my suburban neighborhood recently when I noticed some red American Girl doll boxes in a few curbside recycling bins. Apparently these
The DMV: A Testimonial
By Jordan Butler,
January 2, 2016
Of all the requisite hells in this world, there is nothing quite like a trip to Dante’s lowest level: the DMV. Dental examinations, traffic court
Congratulations To EVERYONE Who Entered!
If your entry was not recognized this time, please don't give up! Writing humor is a specialized craft, and it takes time and effort to master any craft.
- Some entries were well-written, but needed more work setting up the humor and punching up the punch lines. Try structuring your work with distinct set-ups and punch lines throughout the piece.
- Other entries had plenty of punch, but relied on coarseness or vulgarity, which limited their potential readership. Try writing as if your piece were for a daily newspaper to achieve the most universal appeal.
However, just by entering you made a great effort and we commend you for it! (You already did better than those who just thought about entering, but didn't even try!)
We hope you will enter again and look forward to seeing more of your work!
Enjoy more award-winning humor in our exclusive Humor Showcase:
Winners | Finalists | Semi-Finalists | Honorable Mentions
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