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"AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM SHOWCASE

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2011 Humor Writing Contest Results!

Congratulations to the Semi-finalists of our OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2011 Humor Writing Contest!

Race Results

By Lloyd S

RESULTS OF RACES NOW IN

LATEST FROM DERBY DOWNS

Hopeless Junction; by Betsy Uppington

The Derby Downs Race Track here in Hopeless Junction was the scene of this year’s Hopeless Fifty MCRS race. Each year the Motor Cart Racing Society descends upon the town of Hopeless for its 50 mile race. The race is open to all power chairs, motorized scooters and shopping carts.

Derby Downs is located on the site of the old Hopeless Glass Factory on the shore of the Big Stink River. The winding one mile course is patterned after the Indianapolis Speedway. Few have completed the full 50 laps, but this will change after this years race.

Controversy reigned early on race day when Elwood Lloyd attempted to enter a modified gasoline riding lawnmower. Heated arguments went back and forth right up to 17 minutes before scheduled start time. The last vote of the judges was 5 to 4 to disqualify.

The race began right on schedule at 9: 37 am o’clock this morning. 36 entrants roared off the line in front of 613 spectators. Cynthia Braskowitz was first in the lead with a power chair modified with duel full horse split capacitor motors. She kept the lead for 30 laps. Right on her back bumper was Larry Eagleton with another power chair on 13 inch tires. Eagleton kept up for 21 laps before battery charge waned.

Next in the lead was Nelson Edwards on a scooter who was passed by the scooter of Chow Lin within a lap. Edwards and Chow dueled for the lead for 6 laps before being passed by a motorized shopping cart driven by Constance “Grandma” Crabb. Mrs. Crabb adapted her cart with 4 12 volt deep discharge batteries connected in a parallel circuit. This ingenuity took Mrs. Crabb to the winners circle and the coveted wreath of ten $50 bills.

One exciting moment happened when Carlton Fredricks driving a scooter passed 6 other contestants dragging his charging cord. As Fredricks pulled in front of the overtaken, they became entangled, mangled, upset and had to quit the race. Other than that, there were the usual minor miss-haps; side swipes, bumper kissing and loss of control.

The big news this year are the modifications. Unless there are rule changes requiring the vehicles to remain stock or only allowing approved mods, next years race could be total chaos.

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