1. People Grunting and making various obnoxious noises —
Yes I see that you are holding sixty pound weights in your hands. Yes that is quite impressive that you can curl that much weight. No you are not allowed to scream and moan like a group of oxen being mutilated. I don’t care how strong someone is, there is no excuse for them to make a scene by screaming and grunting. Yes you are strong, but your masculinity was just brought down several notches by the fact that you are screeching as if your crotch region was housing a catheter.
2. People listening to metal music —
I will admit I am sometimes guilty of busting out the occasional air drum solo whilst in the gymnasium. I will also admit that occasionally I rock my head back and forth whilst listening to Slipknot or Korn, however I am never guilty of making a complete ass out of myself by turning into a heavy metal rockstar mid-lifting session. I don’t care how much that Metallica solo rocks, it is no excuse to punch the wall and slap yourself in the face in rage. Guys will not be afraid of you, and girls will not think you are a tough bad boy with no regard for the rules. Everyone will just think you’re a complete goon. And if your pump up routine involves repeatedly punching yourself in the groin, you probably have some issues to deal with.
3. People whose New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often —
It’s too crowded, give up.
4. People who talk way too much —
It’s okay to chit chat a little in the gym. Greet a friend, maybe introduce yourself to a lovely lady. But no the gym is not the ideal place to discuss multicolored yo-yos, or why you will never eat another McRib in your life. Another thing about gym chatting is you have to be careful where you decide to do it. Though two guys giggling in the corner may seem a little flaky, it is definitely a better location then directly in front of the weight rack. Cause if I’m hauling my big ass dumbbells back to the rack and two guys are standing in front of it and discussing last night’s episode of Glee I will not hesitate to drop the weights directly on their Croc-wearing toes.
5. People who bother you about the machine you are using —
Now it’s not a sin to ask someone if they’re almost done on a machine. However if the person tells you they just got on the given machine and still have three sets left then don’t roll your eyes and let out a disappointed, “ughhhhh!” Then some people have the nerve to stand directly over you waiting as you lift to the point where you can feel their breath in your nostrils. Or even worse they stand in some corner of the gym gazing at you from afar and every once in a while your peripherals catch a glance of them standing there, like an angry bison on the prowl. When people do crap like this to me I take as long as humanly possible on the machine. Hell I even take a couple minutes to send out some texts, find that perfect song on my I-Pod, or even peruse Quiznos’s website to check if gorgonzola cheese is being rightly represented on their menu.
6. People who wear jeans to the gym —
You look like a geek.
7. People who legitimately think they are boxers —
Now it’s okay to use the punching bag. It’s good cardio and a good way to let off some steam. However if you stare the bag down for two minutes in rage, pretending it just robbed your uncle’s vacation home in Sweden, and then proceed to give it an extremely uncoordinated beat down, you should probably think twice. Everyone can hit a punching bag. The fact that you’re able to physically touch a sack of leather with your fist doesn’t make you Mike Tyson. And if you’re motioning people aside while you charge the bag in preparation of your famous hidden-mantis-flying-spin-kick, you should probably just stick to zumba.
8. People who bring live iguanas to the gym and let them loose —