It’s that time of the year where we reflect and look back at the top news stories of the year. But, what about those stories that didn’t make the big headlines? The ones that were buried on page 97? This is due, in part, to the fact that many times the article is short on information and many of the questions that you would like to have asked go unanswered.
In keeping with the journalistic integrity that I swore to when I took my Oath of Hypocrisy, I would like to present several of these articles from the past year and ask those tough, unanswered questions.
The first article comes from Maryland where the Assistant Maryland State Veterinarian says that racing pigeons from New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania must have health certificates, before flying to Maryland, because of avian influenza. My first question is obvious. How do you know when a pigeon has the flu? How do you get the thermometer under their little tongues? And, most importantly, do they get charged sick days if they don’t race?
Another question comes to mind. How do they carry the health certificate? Isn’t their just so much room in those containers strapped to their legs? And, what about this flu? Can humans catch it? What are some of the symptoms? Will I have an uncontrollable urge to want to leave little spots on my neighbor’s windshield? Will I be found sitting in the park on top of the General Custer statue? These were the questions not answered in the article.
The next story comes from Frenchboro, Maine. Apparently, they had an opening for the sixth time, in as many years, for a teacher in it’s twelve student, one-room schoolhouse. Here comes the kicker. Frenchboro, Maine is an island ten miles out in the Atlantic Ocean. My question here is, who makes up the twelve students? Gilligan, The Skipper, The Professor, The Movie Star, Mary Ann and Mr. and Mrs. Thurston Howell?
The article goes on to say that qualifications include a love of solitude and the ability to survive harsh winters. They left out one important qualification. You must never have seen “The Shining.” The article also says you must be able to do without stores, movie theaters, and restaurants. Now, there’s a plus.
So, what is there to do in Frenchboro, Maine? The last teacher there said that she is stepping down to spend more time with her new baby. Okay, now I know what there is to do in Frenchboro, Maine.
The next story comes from Hillside, New Jersey. A Newark postal clerk was honored, recently, with a special headstone for bravely protecting the mail from going down with the Titanic ninety-nine years ago. My question is, what kind of mail would be on the Titanic? A postcard from the ship’s gift shop that says, “Dear Cousin Cleo, Having a wonderful time. Wish you were…what was that?”
So, there you have it. I’ll be keeping my eyes peeled for another selection of interesting, yet pointless, stories in 2012 and I won’t give up until I have asked the really tough questions. Now, where was that story about the guy who mailed himself to Latin America in a number ten envelope?