One of the most divisive issues in America’s modern political landscape is the problem of Fresno birth. No other question so enrages the Front Wing or brings out the Back-Wing bleeding hearts.

The biblical injunction in Hiawatha 7:42 is unambiguous: “Neither shall ye suffer one born in Fresno to pass among you, nor to partake of thy bread, nor of thy water, nor of thy radicchio, nor indeed of thy arugula, for it is an abomination unto the Lord.”

However, the same chapter of the Holy Book also proscribes the use of smoked trout in ninepin bowling, a practice that persists in rural South Dakota.

One institution that has faced terrible perplexion — perplices — well, anyway, the US Army has big problems …