New Years Day — 9:02 a.m.

Naked and angry in my master bathroom … You stupid thing! I DO NOT WEIGH THIS MUCH!

I lean to the right, the left. With a caution and precision of a tightrope walker, I step off then back on, eyeing the little black digits that roll by between my feet. They finally stop, displaying a sum about 10 pounds too high for my liking. It’s lying!

As if diffusing a live bomb, I carefully reset the little knob to zero, shake it, then repeat. With my eyes closed I get back on. TWO POUNDS MORE! I stomp my feet, I yell. I almost fall over but the toilet breaks my fall.

This thing makes me crazy. It’s never been the same since I drop kicked it across the floor after Thanksgiving…