Cambridge, MA 02138
Re: Letter of Recommendation
I am writing this letter on behalf of Jennifer B. who appeared in my court as a defendant in a drug possession case earlier this week. It struck me, as she testified ad nauseam about her plans for the future, that Jennifer would be a fine candidate for admission to your university. I herein list the reasons for that belief:
1. The admission of this young lady would go far toward meeting your institutional goal of increased diversity among the student body. I doubt you currently have many students with sixteen facial piercings. I suspect you have enrolled very few single mothers with three kids by three different daddies, none of which are presently un-incarcerated (the daddies, not the children). I doubt your student body sports many self-taught art experts. (Jennifer personally designed the dragon-eating-Jesus tattoo running up her right arm.)
2. Jennifer is goal-driven. Why, just over the past two months, she saved enough from her government checks to buy a new patio set from Big Lots. (She says it looks great in her living room.) Next hoped-for goal: To get the tattoo of “Lalo” removed from her neck since that sorry, no-good $%!# knocked her up and left her for that fat ho, Cynthia.
3. Jennifer has great self confidence. She has historically been smarter than her mother, her teachers, Child Protective Services investigators, the cops, all those damn court appointed attorneys and her probation officers. Her quick wit allowed her to materially change her story three times while testifying this week.
You might be concerned regarding her educational deficiencies. She was, however, “this close” to finishing tenth grade and, except for all those attendance and student conduct requirements, would have accomplished this feat. I hope you will accept, as a substitute for formal schooling, her years of practical experience with chemistry, marketing and the theatrical arts. She is also an expert in a language that apparently calls for the speaker to address a judge as “bro.”
Jennifer has it all. Please…get her out of my community.
Very truly yours,