Conversation overheard outside a comic book store:
Teenager 1*: Did you hear that?
Teenager 2*: What?
Teenager 1*: She “whatevered” me.
Teenager 2*: Who?
Teenager 1*: The chick at the counter. She “whatevered” me. I should have been the one to “whatever” her!
Teenager 2*: Go back in and “whatever” her now. I’ll wait.
Teenager 1*: I can’t go back and “whatever” her now. I’d look like an ass-clown.
Teenager 2*: Well, it’s up to you. But I never let anyone “whatever” me first. If I even think there’s a chance they might “whatever” me, I “whatever” them right away and walk out.
Teenager 1*: Yeah, I should have done that.
Teenager 2*: Yeah, I’m not going to get “whatevered” by some lame piece of crap who’s not nearly as spiritual as I am.
Teenager 1*: Yeah.
Teenager 2*: Yeah.
Teenager 1*: Hey, what’s that blowing at your feet?
Teenager 2*: I don’t know. It looks like it has words and pictures on it. Maybe it’s a poster for a show or a new tattoo place.
Teenager 1*: No, it looks like it has stories on it or something.
Teenager 2*: Stories about Goths?
Teenager 1*: I don’t see any Goth stories. Looks more like stories about a bunch of old, white dudes doing things.
Teenager 2*: Giving tattoos?
Teenager 1*: Yeah, no, I don’t see any of that. More like old, white dudes and wars; old, white dudes and money; old white dudes arresting people; crap like that.
Teenager 2*: What club is this at?
Passerby*: It’s a newspaper, you idiot!
Teenager 2*: WHATEVER! See, like that.
Teenager 1* Yeah, you’re good. So I guess the old, white dude stuff isn’t happening at a club. More like all over the country.
Teenager 2*: So why would I pay to go see it?
Teenager 1*: You don’t pay to see it; it’s not a show. I think this is a paper with a list of news that just happened, or something like that
Teenager 2*: News like what?
Teenager 1*: Like what I just told you!
Teenager 2*: Old, white dude stuff?
Teenager 1*: Yeah.
Teenager 2*: And it costs a buck every day to read about old, white dude stuff?!
Teenager 1*: Guess so.
Teenager 2*: Who would buy that crap?
Teenager 1*: Old, white dudes, I guess. I’ve never bought one.
Teenager 2*: I never bought an old, white dude either.
Teenager 1*: Yeah.
Teenager 2*: If people want news, why don’t they just go online?
Teenager 1*: Old people don’t go online; they watch “The View” and read “People” magazine for important news. I think they buy these paper news things to do puzzles or to bet on their stock markets or something. The news stuff looks like it just fills it out so it seems bigger than it is.
Teenager 2*: Maybe they buy them for when it rains, too?
Teenager 1*: To see what the weather’s gonna be like?
Teenager 2*: No, like if it rains and they don’t have a hat but they want their old, white dude toupees to stay dry, they put this over their head on their way to bet on the stock markets?
Teenager 1*: I guess, but I saw one of my Mom’s skeezer boyfriends with one of these and it wasn’t even raining.
Teenager 2*: Yeah, then I don’t get it.
Teenager 1*: Me either.
Teenager 2*: Well, you could sit on it.
Teenager 1*: Yeah, you can sit on lots of things. So what?
Teenager 2*: I mean, so it wasn’t blowing at your feet.
Teenager 1*: Yeah, but I doubt if someone invented old, white dude paper news things and sells them for a buck just so that you could sit on them in case they were blowing at your feet.
Teenager 2*: Maybe they did.
Teenager 1*: No! I mean, then why wouldn’t someone sell something for 50 cents that will also blow at your feet and you could sit on? They’d sell twice as many.
Teenager 2*: Maybe they do.
Teenager 1*: Yeah, well maybe they don’t!
Teenager 2*: Whatever!
Teenager 1*: Dammit!!
*Not their real names.