It had started like any other day, as I bought a box of cheap, bootleg granola from a small store. I’m reading the box as I eat it, which is mandatory, and I discover it’s from Switzerland. The story on the back explains how they’ve used the same recipe for 60,000 years or so, blah blah blah. At the bottom, it asks, “Why settle for cereal that tries to look Swiss?”
I hadn’t realized the Swiss had elevated their cereal making to the level of their watch making. The fact that ‘fine, Swiss craftsmanship’ had now applied to Mini-wheat weaving as well as expensive timepieces had eluded me until that moment.
Perhaps I should have realized something was up when I bought an expensive cuckoo clock, and that crazy-ass Cocoa Puffs bird popped out every hour, screaming for Cocoa Puffs.
Then I began to worry. What if this was their way of taking over American culture? After all, what is more American that breakfast cereal? What if I turn on the television and see Toucan Sam yodeling, or the Trix rabbit prancing around the Alps in lederhosen? Were the Swiss now on top of the breakfast cereal food chain?
I took the liberty of making up some facts, and discovered that their passion for cereal began when a toddler in Geneva accidentally dumped his bowl of Cheezios (the Swiss equivalent of our own beloved Cheerios, and yes, there are holes in them too) into his father’s big wacky Alpine horn, just as he was inhaling. It functioned like a bong, and the older man experienced a most unusual wheat-based buzz.
Pretty soon all of Switzerland was looking for a cheap high. Rambunctious teens could be seen flipping tiny spoons out of their army knives, freebasing Grape-Nuts. “Snap, Crack, and Pot” became icons of a new generation, as the Rice Krispie treats were all laced. A movement was underway, and an American way of life was under attack.
Now, granted their cheese is damn good (although I’d like to see them stuff ham into the holes), and those Ricola commercials amused me momentarily, but I feel we have to stop this now. If we fail to act immediately, ‘big cereal’ will collapse like the auto market did after the Japanese discovered cheap automobile manufacturing on April 7th, 1974.
I’m not suggesting that we should invade (although you really should check out that busty blonde beer wench they have over there. I think her name is Gretchen.) I am suggesting, however, that you don’t repeat my mistake.
If you’re buying granola, buy American. Spend the extra dollar and make sure it’s organically made by a hairy, smelly hippie from Vermont. Granted, that money will probably end up going to Colombia for some primo weed, or to a nitrous dealer at a Phish show, but we’ll address that in another silly article.
I’m also suggesting that you prepare yourself for the new war on drugs. Switzerland is the new Columbia. While I am concerned, I’ll still put our boys from Battle Creek, Michigan, up against them any day. After all, what did President Roosevelt say? Speak softly, and carry a big spoon.
What do you think? Send me your thoughts, 4 box tops and an original, dated receipt. Please wait 6-8 weeks for a response.