Global warming and the controversial debate surrounding it have been ranked the most boring topics of all time. In fact, the only entertaining story to come out of the climate change debate was the ironic story of a global warming activist who froze to death while doing research in Antarctica.
Now before you skip this article in favor of your horoscope, you ought to know that “global warming” is about as scientific as student astrology. Don’t let those evil tree-hugging activists steal anymore of your money or your time. Even if we were to entertain the idea that “global warming” was realistic, this author cannot help but wonder, what’s the big deal?
After watching the film, An Inconvenient Truth, I found myself left with some pestering questions for a certain Mr. Al Gore. Firstly, Al Gore, can you truly be as ignorant to think that human indulgence is not worth the degradation of the environment? Secondly, are you so egotistical, Al Gore, that you ponder the consequences of your actions upon upcoming generations? Any “global warming” information distributed henceforth by Gore should include a candid disclaimer. For example, in An Inconvenient Truth, Gore should have said something akin to:
“After losing the election to George Bush, I felt unappreciated. I wanted to make my life’s story important again to America and to the rest of the world.”
Finally, Al Gore, numerous news reports indicate that you engaged in extra material affairs. On behalf of a concerned nation, I ask you, has global warming spread to your pants?
As to anyone who would find themselves sad at the occurrence of dying polar bears, let’s face the truth; we all know that polar bears are a malicious and nasty breed. They are an incredibly aggressive animal whom salivates at the thought of gnawing on human flesh. By eliminating the polar bear, we are eradicating a dangerous animal, which in turn increases the livelihood of a much more important species, the omnipotent Homo sapiens. In regards to the endangerment of the penguin, let me remind you that they are the only class of bird which cannot fly. The extinction of such an animal sounds reasonable.
If you happen to reside in New England, you need no introduction to the burden of harsh winters. If “global warming” is occurring, then we no longer have to endure the stressors of winter. It will be unnecessary for us to wear inflated coats, with three additional layers, and thermal underwear all lodged underneath. There will be no more cleaning snow off of your dashboard in the frigid mornings, or of your car drifting off of the road while you are hastily speeding to work.
In addition to warmer temperatures, there will be more people wearing less clothing, which is a plus most of the time. Indeed, who really cares whether or not Arctic sea ice is disappearing? If the topography truly is changing, perhaps we can start planting trees and finally make use of that terrain.
Speaking of agriculture, climate change activists argue that temperature changes will decrease crop growth. Naive people fail to appreciate the only plants of any significance, which are those grown illegally in basements and garages. These plants will continue to grow underground splendidly. Further cultivation is unnecessary, as impeccable food technologies have provided the world with delicious artificial food, such as Doritos.
Furthermore, according to climate change experts, cow flatulence is damaging to the climate. If passing gas is harmful, this writer is in a lot of trouble. The audacity of these “global warming” activists astounds me. If advocates really want to save the earth, there are more appropriate ways in doing so. For example, high-school administrations could cease cutting down trees in order to produce textbooks that very few students actually read.
Bottom Line: “Global warming” doesn’t kill people- people kill people”.
Don’t let those environmentalists put you in a state of fear. The dangers of global warming are nothing but a lot of hype, exacerbated by egocentric environmentalists eager to use junk science to draw attention to themselves. So drive your Hummer, brush your teeth with the water running, and produce those greenhouse gases all you want, because even if “global warming” is real, it’s not that big of a deal anyways.