Pregnancy is absolute bliss! We women began the heartwarming experience of pregnancy, vomiting at the smell of their husbands and favorite foods. Coffee is the devil, and it does not matter because women are not allowed this luxury in fear that their babies may pop out as bouncing circus clowns. They take away our anti-depressants in fear that the opposite may happen.
For weeks, sometimes months, we puke. If we are not puking, we feel like we are going to and have an enormous headache from caffeine withdrawal. We cry and do not know why we are crying. After all, we are so happy to be “having a baby!”
Once the sickness goes away, we eat everything in sight and become walking beach whales. Wherever we go, strangers notice our bulge and believe this is a sign for them to rub all over our growing stomachs. Generally, this leads to a conversation about the four times they were pregnant. We feel so lucky to have met these individuals because otherwise we may have never known that our breasts can produce milk, which is by far the only option! No pressure, stranger.
Everyone knows best when a woman is pregnant, and they will not hesitate to give “expert” advise. It is also inevitable that they will bring up strange topics such as, “What are you planning on doing with your P l a c e n t a?” As if women have time to consider such a thing as taking a cooler full of ice and a zip-lock baggie for placenta holding purposes! Most women cannot even spell “placenta” up until that point.
Frequent visits to the gynecologist require shaving parts that we can no longer safely reach. Despite what men may think, these visits do not feel nice. These people do not use “party favors!” Sorry guys, but we need an ice-pack and a support group to go to straight after these appointments.
Heart-burn is a special time that comes later in the pregnancy. Just one saltine cracker is all it takes for a woman to snuggle up at night with her bottle of antacid. Our backs hurt, we cannot sleep, we pee uncontrollably, we are still crying, and we now eat small animals for breakfast. Life is GOOD!
When the moment comes, women have their hospital bag packed, so there is no need for a “friendly reminder card.” In fact, it has been in the car for weeks! The contractions hurt a bit but after the epidural, which may or may not paralyze a woman, we feel our first moment of actual bliss since the fun began nine months earlier. Labor is like Christmas! At this time, we can meet our new baby and pray that we are not affected by postpartum depression.
After it is all said and done, we love our new little bundle of joy and life could not be better. However, ladies, when the husbands begin to smell nice again, take precaution. Side effects of not taking precaution include repeating all of the above steps. Enjoy baby!