Sacramento police reported that at midnight on the 26th of October a worried sounding Sacramento man called 911 to complain that spammers were attacking his website with malicious comments. The emergency operator immediately routed the call to the Sacramento cyber-crime unit that recorded the following conversation:

Operator: “First, what is your Web Address?”

The caller: “It’s like a LLL Address.”

Operator: “LLL?”

Caller “My webaddress is:LLL@www.Me”

Operator: “Me?”

Caller: “Yeah I have a ‘Me’ website.”

Operator: “Me?”

Caller: “Well, last I heard, I am at me. If I wasn’t at me, I don’t know where I would be. Like, I am not at YOU. Because you are at YOU.”

Operator: “I’m at me?”

Caller: “No you are at YOU. I am the one at me.”

Operator: “So, what’ the LLL all about?”

Caller: “Local Lobe Location.”

Operator: “Local Lobe Location?”

Caller: “My website located inside my local left lobe.”

Operator: “Local left lobe?”

Caller: “Yeah, my Brain was converted into a Website.”

Operator: “LOL, Wow.”

Caller: “It’s LLL WWW.”

Operator: “So what’s the WWW about?”

Caller: “Walking Web Wonder.”

Operator: “What Wonder?”

Caller: “Local lobe location Wonder.”

Operator: “So, it’s a Wonder that your local left lobe has been wired and wedded to a working, website with a local lobe locator latch? Right?”

Caller: “Except I forgot to put up spam blockers and everybody is harassing me and destroying my ability to read the latest issue of Wired magazine.”

Operator: “Sir Mr.?”

Caller: “Mr. Einsteinhope.”

Operator: “Mr. Einsteinhope. Have you considered seeing a psychiatrist?”

Caller: “I am a psychiatrist, PHD UCLA Class of 1988.”

Operator: “Did you hear voices in your head before your brain became a website?”
Caller: “My website only accepts print and pictures.

Right now, I am getting aggressive pop-up ads to sign up for a free subscription to ‘News of the Weird’. I don’t care about weird stories. I just want a good spam blocker.”

Operator: “Just how did your brain become a website?”

Caller: “Well, at first, it wasn’t on purpose.”

Operator: “The website or the spam?”

Caller: “It really started after the cell phone fell into my left ear.”

Operator: “Ear?”

Caller: “I was discussing my ping pong paddle with my workout partner when my wife starts this bark-and-yell confrontation with our dog. The only way I could hear was to lean my ear closer to the cell phone.”

Operator: “So?”

Caller: “That’s when I dropped the phone.

But, I did manage to get some inner ear photos uploaded to my computer.”

Operator: “Did your computer fall down your ear too?”

Caller: “Not a first. I mean, not until later. After we tried to use it to get the cell phone out.”

Operator: “How did you expect to remove a cell phone from your inner ear with a computer?”

Caller: “I wasn’t trying to physically remove the cell phone. We were trying to upload the information from the cell phone that was stuck in my inner ear to my computer, which my wife was holding against my outer ear. But then, the dog barked and my wife dropped the computer. It fell down my ear and landed right up under my left frontal brain lobe.”

Operator: “How could a three foot wide device fall through a tiny channel like your inner ear?”

Caller: “How are babies born? These things happen.”

Operator: “If you don’t want your brain to be spammed anymore, why don’t you just quit paying your web-host provider? Then, they will shut down your website.”

Caller: “And shut down a quarter of my brain. Do you want me to have the IQ of a Moron? Now, what do I do about these spammers? They are driving me crazy.”

Operator: “Ok. We send your story to News of the Weird. Then you just answer your spam and sign up for full time subscription.”

Caller: “Subscription?”

Operator: “News of the Weird will send your website a story about the man with the website brain. Then, you lock the message into a repeating-loop. This will send millions of copies of the Weird article about your website-brain to your website-brain.”

“Then your own brain will be back to spamming its own self, just like with any normal person.”

Caller: “Like normal? This call is getting weird itself.”

Operator: “Doesn’t your brain spam itself with weird ideas, money worries, and worn out pornographic thoughts every two minutes? It’s normal”

Caller: “That’s it! Help 911! The operator is spamming my brain too!”