I feel at this time, fellow husbands, that I should warn you about a situation that can only be defined as the most horrendous and horrific scenario imaginable to the married man. (Not counting the dream where you wake up next to Richard Simmons.) I’m talking about running into your old girlfriend while you are with your wife.
A series of emotions will run through your system, predominantly, blacking out. However, if you follow these simple rules, you, too, will be able to escape this chance meeting unscathed.
Let’s say you and your wife are shopping at the mall. (Actually, men don’t go to the mall to shop. They go for the food court.) All of a sudden, coming in the opposite direction, you see your ex-girlfriend.
First, don’t try to hide the fact that she was a former girlfriend. But, if you can duck behind a large, potted plant before she sees you, do it. You can always come up with some flimsy excuse to use on your wife as to why you are skulking behind a large fern. (“Oh, I thought I saw a dollar back there.”)
Next, always introduce your wife to your ex-girlfriend, emphasizing the word “ex”, and try to avoid using such terms as “former main-squeeze”, “cuddle-bunny, or, “love of my life.”
Then, introduce your ex-girlfriend to your wife. The pitfall to watch here, guys, is getting your wife’s name right. (“I’d like you to meet my wife, Mary, uh, Jane, uh Mary-Jane, uh, Elliot.”) NOTE: If you’ve gotten to this point in the introduction, it is highly advisable that you find the closest sharp object and slash your wrists.
Keep in mind that as all three of you are standing there, smiling stupidly at each other, you, the husband, are not the only one experiencing all of these different emotions.
Your former ex and your wife are challenging their imaginations. For instance, the girlfriend may be looking over the situation and asking herself, “Why didn’t I duck behind that potted plant when I had the chance?” Or, she may be looking at your wife and observing, “The poor woman. I wonder if he’s putting her through the same nightmare I went through.”
Now, your wife may be looking over your ex and asking, “Alright, she’s attractive, but are those real?” Or, she may be pondering, “Poor thing. I wonder if he put her through the same nightmare I’m going through.”
The husband, being driven by his own inflated ego, can only ponder one scenario. “How can I get the two of them involved in a romantic evening?” As enticing as this may seem, guys, and even though it may contain the potential for an entire column of its own, the key thing to remember here is to end the conversation as quickly as possible. This can be done in a number of ways:
1. Fake a heart attack.
2. Remember that you left the water running in the tub.
3. Find the closest sharp object and slash your wrists.
If the situation should develop that the two women involved would like to have coffee or lunch together, under no circumstances are you to leave them alone for a moment. The thing to watch out for in this situation, men, is that while you’re having lunch with two beautiful women, the male ego kicks into overdrive. Avoid reminiscing. (“Remember the night we made love in the linen closet at the Chicago Sheraton?”) Or, (“How about the time we went skinny-dipping at that church fund raiser?”)
Saying goodbye should be as brief as possible. No kiss. However, if your ex leans in for one, no tongue. Also, when parting company, as you and your wife head in one direction, don’t turn around to take one last look. This could be the difference between watching a full or partial football season.
So, guys, follow these simple rules and you may be sleeping in your own bed again within a few, short weeks.