‘Twas the night before Jesus day and all through the McMansion
Not a hired helper was complaining about their small Christmas pension.
The silk stockings were hung by the butler with care
In hopes that his own might someday be there.
Back from boarding school, the children were snug in their beds
While visions of trust funds danced in their heads.
I opened an article on those without jobs
“How sad,” I thought, then shoved it in with the logs.
Look at the snow, I said, so serene, nice, and white
“Just like Jesus!” Mom added, her face all alight.
I then settled back in my chair to relax
And thought about how to evade next years’ income tax.
When outside came a clatter so loud my head throbbed
I said, “We live in the suburbs! Are we being robbed??”
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Hiding the china, the Macbook, the cash.
The moon on the snow of the manicured lawn
Made me sigh with relief: our stuff wouldn’t be pawned!
But when I saw who it was my heart fell all too soon
It was not a thief, or Santa, but that chick from Cancun.
“Oh Crap!” I exclaimed, “not here on Christmas Eve!”
I opened the window and begged her to leave.
But the story gets worse; my dear wife was awake
She ran to the window and saw my mistake.
“Who’s that?” She did cry, “was it a fling?”
I assured her sincerely it was a one-time thing.
“She was the only one?” She asked with a fist
I cringed and she told me she wanted a list.
I began with a name hoping she wouldn’t get brasher
“Well this one time in Cabo was a dancer named Dasher.
And then in Belize there was Prancer, what a vixen,
And that secretary Comet and that cupid named Blitzen.
And finally Donder, and Rudolpha the Brit
Sorry to say, but I think that that’s it.
“Well in the spirit of Christmas, let’s forget it” she said
So I turned off the light and we went back to bed.