Once again, the arrival of the holidays finds me sorting mail with trepidation, painfully anticipating those seasonal letters from family and friends. You know the ones straight from the “Norman Rockwell” family. Sometimes they are so sickeningly sweet they should come with their own airsick bag. Just once I would love to receive a letter like this…
Hope this holiday finds your jingle bells ring-ding-a-linging. For us it has been another wild and crazy year for the Wackersons you know and love. As for me, (Lena), I loved way too may gingerbread men: some real, some made of batter! (hee hee), and now my Rudolph sweater has popped a few rhinestones and Rudolf’s nose is drooping. Plus, I already gained 25 pounds on the Seattle Glutton Diet. I first tried stalking that twiggy Valerie Bertinelli, hoping I’d get free deals from Jenny Craig. Now I suffer from IBS and incontinence, but found that those new Depends are a real time-saver. I am working double shifts at the Binge and Purge Café. Some yokel joked their meatloaf was reconstituted road kill, which I now believe after seeing the tread marks on the last batch.
Sven won’t be winning “Husband of the Year.” The rascal is cheating on me again, this time with the winner of the Miss Minnesota Ice Fishing contest.’ I threatened to deep-freeze his (ahem) “fishing rod.” No worries, I now have earrings to match the gorgeous bracelet he bought me last year after I caught him with Miss Lutefisk.
Sven is now as bald as a bowling ball. He no longer needs hair gel, but I did catch him shining his head with the car buffer.
He is still working at the sewage treatment plant. All the cinnamon spice candles in the Hallmark shop can’t offset that god-awful stench he brings home.
Sven Jr. finally finished his GED. Sweet boy, we’re so proud; it only took him six years, eight if you don’t count the time he spent in detox. He hopes to attend Bartending School this spring. The kid makes a mean Irish coffee with Sanka and moonshine. He even offers an antifreeze chaser! Sven Jr. is living with a nice young man named Clay, in a cozy one-bedroom apartment. They love musicals and Barbra Streisand. We’re not sure why he hasn’t met a nice girl yet.
Susan is now a junior in high school and loves being a cheerleader. She is proud to announce that she has dated the entire football team, including the incoming freshmen. I noticed the other day that she is sporting a little belly. I’m a little concerned because she is always craving Clausens and Haagen-Dazs. Those seams will soon be-a-bursting on her cheerleading uniform.
Our youngest, Tommy, is still in the eighth grade. He was held back again even though he was only suspended six times. Tommy has a new interest in chemistry and now has a lab in our basement. I don’t know why, but he constantly has the sniffles and is always looking for Sudafed. I think those funny plants he has been growing are an herb garden for my birthday.
The dogs are doing much better and I think Buster has finally forgiven me for backing over him this summer. He is amazingly fast for a dog with three legs. Barney drank a bottle of Sven’s Rogaine. He now has an ingrown tail and is growing hair on his teeth. The vet said he had never seen anything like it.
Oh and Huggers, our new boa constrictor, is doubling as a festive garland this year. All I did was string some sparkly lights on him, and voila! Too bad Puff Ball, the neighbor’s cat, has gone missing because I bought a set of kitty antlers for his little head.
The house renovations still continue. The neighbors are complaining about the Biffy out front but we hope to have running water by Valentines Day. Cooking all of our meals on the grill during a Minnesota winter has been a real challenge, especially since it belongs to our neighbor.
As for me, my little psychotic episode at the last PTA meeting resulted in the police escorting me out of the building. No cheese curd sculpting fundraiser this year.
Talk to you next year after Ice fishing season is over and Sven is recovered from being neutered. Hope your year was as fun-filled as ours!
Now this is a family I can really relate to.