Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Roulette Airlines -– where we believe you have a 1 in 36 chance of arriving safely at your destination. Our mission is to eliminate the boredom of airline travel and make flying fun!
Our low cost airline also believes in eliminating the unnecessary frills. On flights of less than three hours we have discontinued any food service, in-flight shopping and of course, washrooms. A good number of our pilots are flight school graduates and our navigators have all qualified for their Boy Scout Orienteering Badges.
Before we attempt to take off, we are obliged to provide a safety demonstration of our Sopwith-Camel biplane to you. Please note that there is no instruction card in the seat pocket in the back of the seat in front of you because there is no seat pocket. It is very difficult to attach pockets to the backs of lawn chairs. So please pay attention!
Only a few seats are equipped with seatbelts as many flyers have complained that they are often restrictive and binding. In the event of air turbulence, those of you without belts are instructed to grasp the armrests and hold on tight. Should you let go, you will probably zoom straight up and smack your head on the overhead bin. Any damages to the bin will be assessed to your credit card.
In a similar fashion, should the plane experience a sudden loss of air pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the compartment above your head. Of the dozens of masks you will find dangling and swaying violently in front of your face, only one in three actually provides oxygen. The other masks are just placebos to provide some mid-turbulence entertainment.
We won’t bother to instruct you to place a mask over your own face first, before tending to others, as your natural survival instinct will quickly kick in and make any traveling companions feel like orphans in a workhouse. Be sure not to pull the mask too hard as if it detaches from the ceiling you will be penalized and lose any accumulated frequent flyer miles you may have earned.
In keeping with our light-hearted attitude on Roulette Airlines, we have not placed any life jackets under your seats. Instead, we have slyly hidden them throughout the cabin. This will encourage social mingling and you will become better acquainted with your fellow travelers. If you should be lucky enough to find one of the life vests, make sure you first of all use the attached can of mace to spray those poor sports who might try to steal your jacket. Some people don’t react well to crises and always try to ruin the fun.
In the unlikely event of a successful emergency landing make your way to the nearest exit. You are cautioned that some of the designated “exits” are merely an artist’s rendition of an exit door. Some of the real exits are carefully disguised to add to the excitement.
Extra points will be awarded to any traveler who successfully dons their life jacket and makes it to a real exit before the plane touches the ground or water. This may require that passengers use the headrests as stepping-stones in order to make a rapid exit. We recommend that you keep an eye on our totally unprofessional cabin crew who will be attempting to exit the plane first.
Thank you for your undivided attention. The cabin doors have now been sealed with a time lock and will not open again until we reach our destination or our fuel gauges read zero!
In the meantime, sit back and pray. Once we are airborne we will all play bingo for the two parachutes that have been donated as souvenirs by our marketing department. And thank you again for flying Roulette Airlines, a charter member of the Misfortune 500 Companies.