A good many of the problems during the first year of marriage are caused by unrealistic expectations on the part of you and your spouse. She, for example, might expect you to remember her birthday and anniversary every year when best-two-out-of-three is the most anyone should count on from any red-blooded male.

You, on the other hand, might become irritated when it takes her twice as long as your 10-year-old sister to clean and oil your guns. Perhaps you find yourself stifling a laugh at the angle she holds her fish gutting knife.

Well, before you end up accusing her of not being raised right and your mobile home is suddenly covered in broken bowling trophies and beer bottles – take a deep breath and resign yourself to the fact that you are not just her lover, her friend, and her protector, but you are also her sometimes marital skills instructor. I’m going to help you begin by showing you how to lovingly instruct your bride in the very basic, yet essential knack of proper fish gutting.

Passion and the Art of Fish Gutting

Step one: While she is washing the fish under cold running water, bite the back of her neck being careful not to leave any marks that the preacher might see on Sunday.

Step Two: As you show her how to hold the fish in her left hand just under the gills with its belly pointing toward her, whisper in her ear that you’re not sure who smells better – her or the fish.

Step Three: With your hand warmly caressing hers, show her how to hold the fish gutting knife in her right hand while you gingerly help her insert the blade into its lower digestive hole.

Step Four: While she pulls the blade upwards through the belly of the fish, nibble on the back of her ears, taking care not to get any of her multiple piercings caught between your teeth.

Step Five: Positive reinforcement is very crucial in any teacher/student relationship so as she pushes the blade of the knife in through the lower throat on the right hand side, over the top of the tongue, and through the left hand side of the fish, a lustful look of admiration might be in order.

Step Six: As she finishes cutting out the lower throat and starts on the pectoral fins, take one of her overnight curlers out and tell her how much you like the feel of Dippity-Do in her hair.

Step Seven: Whilst she pulls out the tongue, guts, and innards tell her how she stirs up your stomach every time you look at her.

Step Eight: Self denial is the key to any marriage, so offer her your Richard Petty Limited Edition toothbrush to scrape out the blood between the ribs and the back bone.

Step Nine: Even as she is vigorously finishing up her task, tell her that her lips are as red as the blood she removed from the kidney with the point of her gutting knife.

Step Ten: After she washes the fish again and allows it to drain, squeeze fresh lemon on her fingers and wipe her trembling hands with the dish towel you won at last year’s truck pull.

As you can see from the helpful hints above, if you take this on and show fish gutting to her as a romantic adventure, instead of an everyday wifely chore, it could lead to amorous thoughts and goose pimples every time she tenderly cleans yours and your buddies’ fish over the many years to come.