I’ve noticed that about every 5th car in the Bay Area is a Prius and that number appears to be growing rapidly. Although their appearance is quite small and plain, I notice them a lot because their similarities extend well beyond their common looks and lingering Obama bumper sticker. For fear of sounding crazy, I’ve been hesitant to voice my suspicion that all Priuses are being simultaneously piloted by the same person (or omnipotent being). I know what you’re thinking because I’ve been there myself…this woman is nuts…that’s impossible…people in California really ARE weird.

I’ll do my best to substantiate my suspicions. I cannot remember the last time I was driving in the Bay Area and was not cut off by a Prius. The only thing that varies is the cut-off technique. Each technique is performed perfectly and I’ll offer you a couple of examples.

One of the most common is the “Pull Out and Slow Down”. In this maneuver the Prius driver waits in a driveway for a vehicle to approach from the left on a 50 mph road. Once an approaching vehicle is within 20 feet of the driveway, the Prius quickly pulls out and completes a right-hand turn in front of the approaching vehicle. After the turn, the Prius immediately slows down to about 5 mph. This (obviously) forces the approaching vehicle to come to a screeching halt. The approaching driver is then met with a steely gaze in the Prius driver’s rearview mirror. At this point, the Prius speeds up to about 25 mph and continues at that rate of speed for the next mile or so. The “Pull Out and Slow Down” generally occurs in a no-passing zone. No logic can be found in this maneuver.

Another common piloting technique is the “Right Lane Refusal”. One of the basic rules I learned in Driver’s Education is that slow traffic is supposed to move to the right. The “Right Lane Refusal” technique is aptly named because it would appear that Prius pilots blatantly challenge this rule since they are often found in the left lanes driving at least 20 mph below the posted speed limit. I generally find these Priuses when a giant SUV suddenly hits the breaks in front of me and moves to another lane. I then find myself in the SUV’s prior situation which involves a near impact of my front bumper with the miniature rear bumper of the Prius. I am then forced to follow suit by slamming my breaks, moving to another lane and putting the unsuspecting driver behind me in the same precarious situation. Surely these cannot be deliberate acts on the part of the Prius pilot.

Since these maneuvers appear to be so calculated and are executed in such a route manner, I am forced to accept the possibility that something beyond the human world is involved. After all, Prius drivers purchase their vehicles in response to a calling to preserve the Earth. Surely acts of aggression would be against their nature, so they really can’t be in control. I think I’m witnessing what could be The Invasion of the Prius Driver Snatchers. As a result of my life-threatening research, I offer my findings:

An environmentally-friendly person decides to trade in his large, gas-guzzling SUV for a Prius – a noble act. After the purchase, the new Prius pilot begins to experience an intensely manic euphoria and it overwhelms him. The pilot no longer realizes he is continually staring at his fuel-efficiency screen and making the necessary adjustments to attain true fuel efficiency. At this point, the pilot becomes unaware of the traffic around him.

It is in this dream-like state that the invasion occurs and the Prius pilot is temporarily snatched for reprogramming. The pilot is somehow transported in his Prius to a building in an unknown location. The pilots do not remember anything beyond the feeling of flight, a blinding light and a sign above a beautiful bamboo garage door that reads Pilots Riding In Unison Society (PRIUS).

The pilot then finds himself back on course, unaware of his piloting technique acquisition. All Prius drivers report this experience. By all appearances, this PRIUS experience is on track to become an epidemic in the near future. I urge you to do your part to intervene and write your congressman. Our citizens should not suffer in the pursuit of environmental friendliness.