I like my imaginary life so much better than my real one. I even have a real wardrobe for my fantasies. After all, doesn’t Barbie? I buy clothes for my date with George Clooney, for the Academy Awards, and for my television appearance on the Tonight show. I like to be ready when opportunity knocks. Besides, silk gowns, velvet jackets, and real diamonds are so much more fun to buy than t-shirts and sweats. And imaginary clothes always fit!

In my imaginary life, I have real dates and receive real awards and travel beyond Plano, IL. Family members wait on me like I’m a queen, and friends never let me down. Available men are adorable and adore me, and the kisses are always sweeter than wine. I’m so popular that I need a secretary to keep my social calendar straight. And in this dream life, I have one. A secretary that is. And a life.

In this Utopia, my bosses throw promotions, pay raises and perks at me every time I write a memo. They ask for my opinion and mean it. Fellow employees praise me to management and offer to dust my computer, file my paperwork, and buy me lunch. Clients just pull out their checkbooks and ask “how much”.

And in Fantasia, I always have cash in my purse, my checking account and my 401K. Store clerks rush to my side and tell me when an item I want is going on sale. And it’s always now.

Of course, my car and appliances never break down.My computer never crashes. And my plumbing never leaks.

Those normally elusive warranties, insurance policies, and tax receipts are right where they belong. My keys are always where I think I left them. My shoes always match.

Every meal in my home is gourmet, wholesome, and comes with a chef and clean-up crew. Every party I throw is fabulous. Every guest comes bearing gifts.

I have the strength of a Sumo wrestler, the endurance of an Olympic runner, and the grace of a ballerina. I eat large candy bars, pies, and ice cream, and never gain weight. I always get enough sleep, fun and chocolate.

I know all the answers to Sudoku, Mensa, and the IRS. I always choose the best stocks, cars, and men. I make headlines, hearts break, and lots and lots of money.

I sing like an angel, pontificate like Socrates, and sweet talk like a car salesman. I can do the fox trot, the tango, and the hokey pokey. I can act innocent for traffic police, talk tough with wayward teenagers, and fake loyalty around my boss and in-laws.

My novel is published, optioned by Hollywood, and I’m offered the lead in the movie. I dance with the Stars and I’m featured on Saturday Night Live. I’m big on Broadway.

I receive an honorary degree from Harvard and Yale. I’m the TIME Magazine “Person of the Year”. I’m on the Best Seller list, the Best Dressed list, and the Top Ten.

I’m on a first name basis with the President, the Pope and Oprah. I’m a princess with a diary to die for. I climb the highest mountain, swim the English channel, canoe to Antarctica – for charity.

I never tell a lie, hold a grudge or insult bad drivers. I am soft-hearted but tough, smart and innocent, talented yet modest. I serve nobly, age gracefully, and play until the fat lady sings.

I’m never late. I’m never bored. I’m never ignored.

In short, I’m amazing. And when I grow up, I am going to be a Superhero.

Excuse me, my real life is screaming again. Something about a bounced check?