A major news show reported: Man holds up a convenience store. His photo flashed across my television screen. To conceal his identify he wrapped his head in duct tape. He left a slit for his eyes and as he misaligned the silvery tape across his mouth, his lips pursed up and puckered out.

I suppose he was able to quack out the words, stick ‘em up, but I’m not sure if he heard his victim’s response. He left the store with a few rolls of coins and was apprehended in the parking lot.

The seriousness of the hold up was lost in the news interviews because of the absurdity of the criminal’s appearance. Even the storekeeper found it hard to keep a straight face as he was interviewed.

I wonder how the bandit planned to remove the sticky substance from his head for a quick get away. It would be worse then ripping adhesive tape off a wound, especially because he’d wrapped it around his full head of hair. I began to suspect the news show was spoofing its viewers, but I soon realized the holdup did happen.

What drove the criminal to this absurd hold-up disguise? I think it was the government. Yes, the US government or least some of its representatives. Why? Because years back, politicians said stock up on duct tape to remedy… well, I don’t really remember its purpose… maybe seal doors for toxic gas attacks or crisscross windows for storms. All I know is, like a slew of citizens, I still have an ample supply of the silvery tape on hand. This holdup guy probably had a shelf full of tape, too.

I’ve seen duct tape used in many applications: repair of antennae, sealing parcels for mailing, fixing shoes, taping up dress hems instead of stitching them with thread, securing a weak airplane wing strut, car and boat repair, luggage strapping and duct taping kidnap victims to chairs.

My sister has dressed the kids up like the tin man from OZ for three Halloweens in a row. The main item in the costume mix: duct tape. At one time, I’d taught school and appreciated odd ball supplies sent in by parents. I managed to think up projects for the kids. I’d be hard-pressed for crafts from duct tape donations.

In fact, duct tape no longer inspires the plumbing/HVAC trades that it was created for. New specialty tapes are the rage. Actually, duct tape’s specific use is nil. Is that why the politicians pushed its use onto the general public? Did some duct tape lobbyist group get to them?

The news reporter noted, with tongue in cheek, that duct tape was a poor choice for a disguise. As the man’s head heated up from lack of ventilation and touches of perspiration rolled, the adhesive let loose and his duct taped mummy head-wrapping slipped around.

I guess duct tape ends ups with a booby award and the bandito-challenged perp definitely ends up in jail.