A multitude of Yule feasts are on the front burner and I will thank you very much NOT to sneak healthy stuff into my stuffing. I am concerned about this because of the popularity of Jessica Seinfeld’s cookbook “Deceptively Delicious.”
First, let me point out that she is the wife of comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Did you hear that, those of you plotting villainy against my buttered rolls? She’s the wife of a COMEDIAN! It’s probably just a cruel joke, something a low talker said that spun out of control and into a puffy shirt like on the classic “Seinfeld” show.
In case you’ve been fortunate enough to avoid the talk shows on which she circuited, Jessica Seinfeld said she was concerned because her kidlings avoided vegetables. So she started pureeing unexciting but healthy things like radishes and beets and mixing them into decent foods that didn’t need them, such as pancakes and chocolate cakes. From this horrible deception sprouted a cookbook that details how to commit such healthful horrors as baking spinach into brownies, carrots into muffins and garbanzo beans into chocolate chip cookies. Yeah, garbanzo beans, touching your chocolate chips.
It’s not right. For years, we’ve been told not give in to our basic holiday food needs. In this case, Seinfeld says just add a few healthy ingredients and bingo, you’re a guilt-free eater. You want chicken nuggets? Jessica makes them with broccoli or spinach or beets. Macaroni and cheese is laced with butternut squash. Cauliflower is scrambled into eggs. It’s the spinach in brownies that bothers me. I intend to eat pumpkin cheesecake bars. Pumpkin is a vegetable. Or possibly a fruit. Don’t mar it with pureed lima beans. I plan to down squash sweetened by brown sugar and potatoes dripping in cheesy sauce. And just try to keep me away from the candied yams. These all are vegetables and I’m eating them.
So please, leave the dessert table alone! We need a reprieve before gourd vines start growing out our ears.
I suppose I should be thankful for such a cookbook as we enter the fifth season – feast. It’s the time of year that most pricks the culinary conscience if one pays attention to healthy eating. During the rest of the five seasons – winter, spring, orange barrel and fall – one MIGHT be able to eat a salad or two.
But when fall fades into feast, our animal instincts are to pack on the pounds against the chill of coming winter. That is why nature provides holiday fudge and cookies in abundance – for your health.
Bears feast before winter then sleep it off, probably in front of a football game. Should we not do as nature intended? Nature covers animals with thick coats during the winter. It does so for us, too, with some assistance from Land’s End, Sears, Kmart and other such habitats where big, bulky clothing grows on hangered trees.
The reason we wear big, bulky clothes is because we also are big and bulky to protect us from winter’s cold. We do this with calories. Remember your high school science? A calorie is a unit of energy. Energy provides warmth. Carrots, broccoli and green beans barely have any calories. Holiday fudge and frosted Christmas cookies (coming soon) are loaded with nature’s toasty goodness.
So put Jessica Seinfeld on the shelf until spring or orange barrel season. For now, enjoy the feasts. It’s nature’s way of keeping you cozy and healthy.