While skimming through the “”new release”” stacks at the local library (no, not in search of “Why We Want You to Be Rich” by Donald Trump), one title did grab my attention: “225 Best Jobs for Baby Boomers.” It’s always good to have a back-up plan, so I flipped through to see what my optimal mid-life career change options might be if the Hanes underpants supermodel job doesn’t pan out. These are just a few of the enticing “”Best Jobs”” listings I’ve been mulling.
While the idea of being involved in an autopsy other than my own is intriguing, I’m not sure I have the leadership skills needed to “”supervise the removal of bodies from a death scene.”” I can barely supervise the removal of my own body from a recliner after 8 p.m.
The only municipal clerk position that would be of any interest is driver’s license photographer. No doubt the job requires intensive training in the subversive art of snapping photos without warning. This is how the municipal government ensures that every driver’s ID looks like Robert Blake after a prison bust. (Note: My distrust of Mel Gibson only increased after viewing his Malibu mug shot. Even with an elevated blood/alcohol level he still managed to maintain a sexiest man alive “”Lethal Weapon”” pose and freshly moussed hair.) Because you never know exactly when a municipal clerk is going to take your photo, it has become necessary to smile the minute you enter the facility to renew your license. Due to my paranoia of municipal clerks who might unexpectedly snap a photo I have to live with for the next eight years, I’ve even taken to smiling during my vision exam. If I pursue the job of municipal clerk, my mission is to restore beauty and dignity to driver’s license portraiture.
Poets and Lyricists
I think that I shall never see, the perks of social security.
Fish Hatchery Manager
Having spent most of my childhood sequestered in my bedroom raising the fry of fancy guppies, I may already be qualified to execute policies overseeing the trapping and spawning of fish. As my arteries continue to harden, I also like the idea of getting a liberal employee discount on omega-3 fatty acids. I imagine the drawback is coming home from a hard day at the hatchery sporting that manly seabreeze scent of Gorton’s of Gloucester.
Spotters, Dry Cleaning
Do you enjoy blotting, bleaching and ingesting harmful solvents and toxins? Why remain ambulatory in a dead-end job when you can rid the world of stains and hasten your need to be put on a ventilator.
This is listed among “”Best Jobs for Baby Boomers That Require Only a Small Amount of Memorization Ability.”” I’m guessing this is because every 12-year-old who needs braces is named either Joshua or Ashley so an aging orthodontist doesn’t have to remember more than two patient names. This could be my dream job if that coroner position falls through.