Like many universities across the country, my alma mater Washington University in St. Louis is currently in the midst of a civil war. You won’t read about this civil war in the newspaper because they don’t have the stones to cover it, and also you don’t read the newspaper. You won’t hear about it on CNN either, and frankly if you’re looking for information about this war on Fox News, I’d feel very, very sorry for you if pity were an emotion I was capable of feeling. No, this war must be experienced rather than read about, and chances are if you’re a recent college grad, you’ve already spent time on the battlefield.

I’m referring of course, to the growing tensions between bikers and pedestrians on college campuses. It’s a classic conflict that history and literature have afforded us so many examples of, it’s become clear that the clash is as intrinsic to human nature as the pancreas. The proletariat pedestrians are lowly and many and envy the nimble speed and casual good looks of their elite, cycling counterparts. As in any hierarchical society, those at the bottom seek to elevate their social status, and those at the top love coasting down those hills with the wind in their hair. As an unbiased biker I’ve experienced this jealousy firsthand and worry that it may be reaching a breaking point. I can’t tell you how many pedestrians I’ve knocked over on my bike, presumably people who jumped in my way in attempts to hug me because of how cool I look biking really fast while holding only one of my two available handlebars. While I feel no remorse knocking these people down because they are not strictly speaking human, I do fear that such an escalation of tension between the two factions might lead to a biker being hurt, or an equivalent disaster, 23 pedestrians dying.

Now I’m writing about this not only to inform the populace about a topic that the pedestrian-controlled liberal media doesn’t want you to know about, but also to propose a solution: stop being so jealous of us bikers. Yes, we can go much faster than people who walk and yes, speed is the only trait that matters in defining the worth of a person, but still: no jealousy. No envy or coveting either. If pedestrians could simply learn to accept the fact that they will never be able to coolly do that thing where you swing one leg over the seat and coast for a bit before stopping, they wouldn’t have to take their mindless anger out on us. Not that bikers are blameless either. Perhaps we could learn to look a bit less cool, especially as we have so much coolness to spare. But the onus still lies mainly on those without wheels, and it is them who I call to action now: No jealousy, know your place, and hugs by appointment only. With these guidelines in place, college campuses can once again be the peaceful, albeit horribly divided, places we all know they can be.