Have you ever seen something so offensive you lose your appetite? Well, maybe not lose your appetite completely. How about diminish it somewhat? Or maybe just skip a meal? Maybe skip a snack? Okay, I’ve never missed a meal in my life no matter what, but if I were going to it could be the result of offensive commercials.

One which comes to mind shows a nice looking woman in a restaurant attempting to eat spaghetti. After twirling the pasta around her fork and bringing said fork to her mouth, the noodles leap up and slap her in the face! Sauce splatters all over and she is very embarrassed. Rightly so. We can only imagine what she did to make these noodles act so violently.

The makers of this commercial must have thought they’d stumbled onto something of brilliance because they then made another one. This next commercial in the series of mean food shows a guy eating a barbequed chicken leg. Like the lady with the spaghetti, he gets the leg close to his mouth only to have it belt him in the chops. Visions of those giant shrimp in “Beetlejuice” that leached onto dinner guests while they’re singing “Day-O” come to mind. What you don’t see is that his girlfriend leaves him shortly thereafter. Who can blame her? No one wants to date someone who gets beaten up by a chicken leg.

So we’re left with two people, still hungry and afraid to eat anymore. Ever.

If combative food isn’t bad enough, we then are exposed to a commercial for toe fungus. Yes, apparently we all have little tiny monsters who live underneath our toenails. Did you know that? It’s true. And when you develop an infection or fungus, the monsters come out between the nail and the toe and aggravate the heck out of you. They are chubby little guys with horns and a mean, snickering laugh. They don’t leave until you rub some sort of compound on them. Something in an acetylene-arsine-phosphine mixture, I imagine. Of course, by applying this not only does the fungus dissolve but there’s the chance your entire toe will disappear as well. If you’re lucky enough to still have your toes at the end of this process, the monsters shrink slowly back into them, melting like the Wicked Witch, fists clenched, threatening to resurface soon.

And if you live in or near New York State you’ve probably seen the commercial for the lottery. It shows horrible little men with giant heads sneaking around. They’re everywhere. And it’s not the same man as they have different faces so if anyone were going to try to annihilate them, they’d have a lot of work to do. They are dressed in suits, are very short, have disturbing smiles and huge black glasses. They hide behind things. They sneak up on people. And they grin. Non-stop grins. There used to only be one. Now there’s a million of them…like they gremlinized. I don’t know what they are supposed to be accomplishing but seeing these tiny men with big heads is daunting. Why would anyone think these creepy little people would entice anyone to buy a lottery ticket?

Offensive in a different sort of way is the one in which a couple is in the kitchen and out of nowhere, a pipe bursts. The entire kitchen is flooded. Water is everywhere. This apparently is a huge turn on and before you know it, their eyes are locked and romance is in the air. They’re laughing and throwing their heads back with glee. Now, I can tell you, if a pipe burst in my kitchen, romance would not be the first thing my husband would have thought of. I’m pretty sure very unromantic language would ensue.

But these two find this erupture to be sexually exhilarating. They retreat and we’re pretty sure we know what they’re up to at this point. You don’t see them again until they’re holding hands in separate bathtubs in a field somewhere.

We wonder about that. Why are they taking baths? Not to mention why are they taking baths in separate tubs in the middle of nowhere and where did these tubs come from? Lots of questions but more importantly, were they, too, victims of pugnacious food? Did they find themselves prey to a plate of irritable lasagna or pissed off pizza, hence the need for a bath? That would make sense.