We’ve launched a new company. It is called Schnookworks. We schnooks specialize in providing value-added services to help everyone around us succeed in their goals. Our key differentiators are that we get neither pay nor recognition for the services we provide.
Experts in schnookery, we offer a range of services:
Meeting contributions – we provide perfect input to meetings under our breath so that more bodacious colleagues can repeat these ideas aloud to the group and get credit for them.
Editorial services – we pore over puffed up, redundant, and journal articles with improper citations and carefully – yet anonymously – craft them into publishable, reputable gems.
Career counseling – we openly and fully share our research about job openings with colleagues so that they can beat us to the punch by applying to and securing gainful positions at more prestigious firms.
Volunteer support – we spend thousands of hours of volunteering for public and private organizations, working in backroom positions and sticking around at the end of events for clean-up – all while being omitted from the program acknowledgments.
Visibility – We appear before the boss’s boss at corporate functions with buttons missing from our jackets and salad in our teeth, thereby improving the relative presentation of our co-workers.
Counseling counselors – though paying for professional services, such as therapy, we are somehow able to help our service providers achieve their dreams, without asking for, or receiving, said services in return.
As we expand, we are looking for additional schnooks – junior schnooks, senior schnooks, temporary schnooks, and semi-retired schnooks who are looking to not make any extra money by consulting with us. Please send your resume. Be sure it includes a typo and a coffee stain.
Schlemiels, schmucks, schmendricks, schlimazels and schmos need not apply.
Schnookworks…excuse us for living.