The recent state budget crisis has forced 9 Governors to close 32 state parks and 24 wilderness areas. Across the country alarmed environmentalists are warning that if state parks and wilderness areas remain closed, they could be overrun by wild animals and uncontrolled vegetation. Park Rangers, who typically represent a storehouse of natural knowledge and odors, said they feared that budget cuts could reduce park wildlife to living in a state of nature.
Conservationists warn that if Washington’s budget crisis worsens the National Parks also may close; leaving thousands of antelope, deer, and even squirrels exposed to predators while forcing bears and wolves to attack innocent chipmunks in order to find food.
A young environmentalist, speaking over a bowl of yogurt, told a stunned group of San Francisco organic-store food gathers:
“Think of the horror. Millions of homeless animals forced to scavenge on their own without one peanut or popcorn throwing tourist. Park squirrels deprived of picnic table leftovers. Bears surrounded by empty trash cans.”
The environmentalist added:
“State budget cuts have left thousands of park acres exposed to the ravages of nature. If this assault on the environment continues that nation’s parks will be overrun with wild bears, snarly coyotes, and, I hate to tell hikers and nudists this, prickly thistles.”
An eighty year old Conservation spokesperson told a gathering of suburban vegetable stand buyers:
“What does closing the parks mean? Picnic tables rotting with mold. Smelly bears sniffing about inside state-park restrooms and toilet stalls. And your favorite group of peanut munching chipmunks—forced to scrounge for termites and grub-worms.”
The Conservationist added:
“Civilization begins when mankind turns from exploiting Mother Nature to protecting Mother Nature. And civilization will end if untamed politicians continue to clear cut the nation’s park and recreation budgets.”
In California, a Redwood Forest Park ranger uploaded a YouTube recording of himself addressing a group of squirrels from his backyard porch:
“A true naturalist must be prepared to preserve all wild animals, whether they are cute or cuddly or not. Therefore, it is our environmental duty to protect tax hating, budget cutting politicians; who represent the last group of wild homo-sapiens which is engaged in the Darwinian struggle against nature and the nation’s parks.
That is, some parks may have to be sacrificed to protect a vestigial species of human. ”
As budget cuts loomed and deadlines for park closing approaches, Park Rangers say that they are sharpening their boy-scout knives, in preparation for their own Darwinian competition with nature. Rangers predict they will be competing for resources against fifteen species of carnivores, eighteen species of herbivores, and herds of roaming passive-aggressive marijuana growing urban dropouts.
Rangers predict that, within a year, parks roads will deteriorate into dirt trails and then, into animal tracks. Carbon footprints first will deteriorate into animal footprints and then, into dung. Hamburger and hot dog concession stands will deteriorate into takeout pizza joints. And ranger towers could be taken over by homeless squirrels and untamed budget-cutting politicians.
However Park Rangers say their greatest fear is that if budget cutting politicians continue to pull the plug on the nation’s parks, the entire North American continent will be overrun with: trees.
The Red Wood Forest Ranger:
“Without Park Rangers cutting the grass and doing controlled burns, an uncontrolled nature will burst out of the park boundaries and smother every city, suburb, and recreation area under a carpet of wild untamed forest.
“Think about it. Have you ever tried playing baseball in the middle of the woods? Every time you throw the ball, it just bounces off some tree. Every time you swing a bat, you and it get tangled up in a briar patch. And, fielding grounders with roots sticking up all over the place?
“And what about all the skimpy clad joggers who will have to run down a trail covered in prickly thistles?”
The vegetable stand conservationist reminded shoppers, that there may be a silver lining to the Park closures:
“As the nation’s Park Rangers are forced into a Darwinian struggle against wild carnivores, grubbing herbivores, passive-aggressive urban dropouts, and hoards of really mad chipmunks, some ranger’s DNA might mutate, and produce kids that evolve into angry politicians. This would give Park Rangers enough spunk to charge into the budget fights and do battle with those half-wild anti-environment budget-cutting, park-closing, politicians.”