Along with millions of other workers, I’m flailing through a life change known as the Campbell Syndrome.
I was canned.
Initially, my family and friends gushed sympathy and clamored for the gory details. But after my third recitation of events, some checked their watches and hurried off. A few more rehashings, and they glanced at bare wrists and mumbled about taking the noontime slaughterhouse tour. Yesterday the mailman saw me coming and faked a seizure.
But, here YOU are, eager for a fascinating, unbiased account of my Campbellation, and how damn sorry those bastards will…What? This is a NO WHINING zone?!? Aw, man. Okay, relax, keep reading and I promise you won’t need a barf bag. Such a crude term. How ’bout a courtesy gastric offloading pouch?
I found oodles of online interviewing tips. WHO WRITES THIS CRAP??? For example, at lunch interviews, we should avoid messy or “suggestive” foods. Wrong! It’s critical to show we can “think outside the box”!! My advice? If you grew up watching Bonanza, eat what you want, because your “suggestive” capabilities are toast. But if you’re young, hip and sexy, use a water glass to smash those BBQ ribs to an orange paste. And then, I say liiiiiick the goup off that glass, babycakes, and more power to ye!
Yes, some foods are suggestive. That’s the friggin’ point! Only an unpatriotic socialist (gasp!) would disdain “real” American food, such as popsicles, corn dogs, and spray cheese.
No rice cakes. They’re dessicated socialist gruel that disintegrate upon contact and will cling like crunchy maggots to a power-colored suit. And what gets into your mouth will sit there like styrofoam. Thank God, social anxiety makes me drool like a Saint Bernard.
Be prepared. When asked why you’re the best candidate, say “I’m a hopeless workaholic with an insatiable need for approval.” If they offer to spring for rehab, insist that good pay and vacations are but the wily snares of Satan.
To demonstrate flexibility, pepper your remarks with “Whatever.” Employers also value initiative and persistence, so pester the waiter for crayons and don’t leave the restaurant until you finish coloring the Shrek placemat.
If your current workplace gets dicey and a meeting is held to “hear your side,” remember the importance of chair height. In my case, the boss quickly ascended the lifeguard throne while the Human Resources guy fiddled with the tension on the rack. Normally I prefer the dunking chair but, hell, I was basking in a rare “good hair” day! So I wriggled into the iron maiden—hey, is that my lost earring in here?? The door shut upon my screams. Not from the spikes impaling me, but…yuck! All those gum wads inside!! Housekeeping should really be notified.
While packing up your stuff, sing your loopy lungs out! I launched into “Climb Every Mountain” as I gathered my rubber insects, Lone Ranger lunchbox, cobra doorstop, and “eyeball” hard candies. Then I belted out “Chain of Fools” while deflating the look-alike dummy that sat in for me at staff meetings. And as the HR dude carried out my set of Dilbert Guides to Workplace Etiquette, I threw sanity to the wind and ripped into Clapton’s “Cocaine.”
But, be careful. Our own subconscious will punk on us, just for grins. I once had a boss (call her Alpha Bitch) who abhorred my countenance, and I, hers. But we agreed to keep me chained to the oar until I could properly jump ship. A unit manager (call him Beta Boy) shared her opinions and…Eeeeeuuuw…her bed. One day when my brain had already left the building, I held up a length of pipe and (true story) I called out, “Hey Marty, where do you want me to stick this?!?”
A final caveat: Employment upheaval may elicit a strong urge to change something, anything, just to feel in control. Like, for instance, grabbing the hedge trimmer this morning and chopping on my hair. Not that I did…just saying…jeez, where’s a hat when you need one?