Summer is in full swing and with a new pool complex and a lake nearby, we’ve been taking the kids swimming quite a bit lately.
Now the problem with being a middle-aged guy (BIKINI) is that if you have eyes (BIKINI) in your head (HOTTIE) it becomes difficult to focus (BIKINI) from time to time at these (HOTTIE) locations.
This can be problematic in that (NICE TATTOO) it is distracting and hey I’m only human and it’s not easy to (focus Focus FOCUS!!) on what (OOPS LARGE BOYFRIEND) I’m supposed to be doing here.
What I’m really trying to say (BIKINI) is that I’m there with my kids and I’m (BIKINI) happily married and I don’t mean to look but I have eyes don’t I? Am I not a (HOLY COW!) human being?
It’s not like I’m being an ogling (OHMYGOD) pervert or anything. (LOOK AT THOSE! OH SORRY BUDDY…).
It just makes me uncomfortable (BIKINI) that’s all. I feel guilty (BIKINI) just for being human.
Anyway, there I was with the kids when I had to go to the bathroom so I got out of the pool.
For a change.
I can’t quite remember what I was talking about just now (OUCH! WIFE PULLING MY CHEST HAIRS). I’m so distracted these days (HOTTIE) what with work and all.
And here’s another thing. Spouses have eyes too and you can’t tell me they don’t admire (PIERCING PLACEMENT) another guy’s abs any more than I happen to notice (BIKINI) in passing another woman’s shallow unimportant physical attributes.
It is hypocritical to think that it is only men who can admire from afar someone whose (THOSE REAL?) body shape is perhaps more toned than one’s own (SUCK IN GUT) physical presence.
I think of it as admiring a work of art, really (BIKINI).
You know, this column was going to be really funny but now I’ve lost my (IS THAT A BUTTERFLY TATTOO?) train of thought. (DON’T STARE! DON’T STARE!). I think I was going to write about (WHOA!) how wonderful it would be if we could all wear dark sunglasses (BREATHE! BREATHE!) while swimming in the pool without looking all pervy. Something like that.
I was also going to write about how distracting it is to drive past the local beaches (BIKINIS OH MY GOD BIKINIS FOCUS! FOCUS! DRIVE THE CAR!!) in the summer time.
Having to drive past the city beaches six or seven times per day (BIKINI) on my way to work (HOTTIE) is pretty annoying, especially since the beaches are 28 blocks out of my way (BITE LIP BITE LIP), so I am working on an environmental strategy that will see these trips reduced. After Labor Day. Which is good.
I wish I could remember what I was going to write about today.
My neck has been hurting lately, too. I must be sleeping funny. Huh.