As the Greek financial system implodes, oil gushes into the Gulf of Mexico, finance reform entangles Congress, new energy policies burst out in six directions, homes foreclose, stocks gyrate wildly, and British politics tumbles into an Italian chaos, the White House announced that it was forming a “multi” task force to deal with the multiple challenges of each day.
Composed of summer interns under the age of twenty six, the White House multi-task force will bring experienced multi-tasking skills to bear on the proliferating number of problems facing the U.S. government and world economy.
According to White House sources, each multi-task team member will be provided with two computers, three cell phones, one calculator, an i-Pod, a three hundred channel TV — and remote — an i-Pad, one Facebook account, one MySpace account, one Twitter account, four e-mail addresses, three alias identities, one AOL instant messaging account – plus a skateboard, two CD rom players, an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, and one prayer book, of choice, for handling both internal and external communications .
According to Facebook sources, the multi-task team will be required to post photos of their work interactions and hair styles on key social networking sites throughout each working day.
The multi-task force also will work with action video games when:
—simulating defense related military options,
—designing optimal war strategies,
—preparing to negotiate with opposition members in Congress.
The White House said that not only will the multi-task force simultaneously deal with each day’s political events, but will also investigate each team member’s dating problems, developing egos, and i-Pod music choices.
White House spokesperson:
“The world spins-off new challenges every day: oil slicks, Greek debt, British coalitions, tornadoes, floods, stock drops, and Sarah Palin speeches.
We could commission a series of single-purpose task forces and stuff – staff — each one with the usual board of gruff Washington males, each of which would produce a “this-time-we-mean-it” White Paper.
However, White Papers quickly turn into yellow-bellied paper-weights that get stacked up title-side down on some dusty back-room book shelf.
We had to do something different. Every day natural disasters, finance implosions, terrorist threats and more erupt out of nowhere. Not to mention, or even try to pronounce, the volcanoes. Frankly, it’s a wonder anyone can absorb all the news headlines without spraining a frontal lobe brain muscle.”
The spoken person’s summer intern added:
”We decided our only hope was to use the next generation’s superior multi-tasking skills to digest it all and convert the team’s analysis of events into common sense Tweets which X-generation staff can translate into White Paper vernacular, which Baby Boomer staff can convert into White House press releases.“
A White House spokesperson said that once the Multi-task force is up and running — and walking, swimming, doing pushups, contemplating, and practicing ping pong serves — no more than four issues a day will be discussed in public.
The White House posted the following explanation on its website:
“Granted, we have the first generation of political managers who grew up watching TV, while instant messaging, while fiddling with the dials of a video game. However, voters over fifty get confused when the President talks about more than two political issues per month. And voters under thirty get ‘bored’ if they are bombarded with less than five crisis events, and one girlfriend problem, every ten minutes.
Therefore the multi-task force will also serve as a series of bridges — links, connection, joints, channels, viaducts, Tweets and post cards — between generations.”
Intern Kyle Haverjudge, who Tweets as “Dash”, confirmed the statement by making the multi-tasks team’s first YouTube appearance:
“You know, oil slicks spread out kinda sloo—ow, so I am glad the British Government breakup/makeup happened, and my girlfriend broke up with me, and the Stock plunge, and you know, wait: — no I did not make up with Jenny, yet, — and the new apartment I rented, and my skate board lost a wheel, and the Greek-government got into this, like, a student loan kind of thing, — wait: — no Jenny is not going out with Justin —yet, and a couple Paki-bombs blew up in real-space, and I started using a new brand of toothpaste, wait: — the oil spill —? So, why did you call?
Anyway, next week I think the job will pick up when we get a few more members, and the multi-task team can start Tweeting and pecking at each other over what flavor coffee to order.”