Frustrated by the Government’s inability to prevent leaks under conditions of intense pressure, the President admitted that oil cleanup information will continue to spill out of the White House and tar ball his energy policy. The President therefore took the bold step of bypassing the leaks and announcing Plan B:
a six billion dollar subsidy to three American auto companies and one aquarium to develop a car engine that runs on raw saltwater and unrefined oil.
Scientists at MIT’s “Ocean Productivity Improvement Lab” predicted that it will take two years, six thousand packs of Morton Salt, and eight cost overruns to develop an internal combustion engine that runs on petrol-covered brine. Scientists say that further advances in component materials will be required to prevent salt-water engines from quickly corroding from the inside out and diminishing the sea-horse power of the new engines. Furthermore, MIT scientists warn that the first generation of saltwater powered cars could experience random bursts of “unintended acceleration” from episodes of uncontrolled “engine sneezing”.
White House leaks indicated that once the saltwater car engine is “up” and “running”, the Government will lease out thousands of “floating gallons” of the Gulf of Mexico. According to leaks, bidding companies will be required to demonstrate that they can “skim” oil off undulating waves of salt water, and can withstand the smell of shipping petro-salted brine to market.
Rumor of the Government’s plan pushed the BP oil company to put forward their own U-Skim plan which would be modeled after agricultural U-pick operations. BP officials promised that any person or mechanical entity that skimmed a thousand barrels, or more, of excess oil out of the Gulf of Mexico would be allowed to skim off the top ten percent of BP’s tax breaks and thus, skip out on paying government taxes. BP promised that successful U-skimmers would receive other “state of the art” oil company privileges.
However, BP denied rumors that it was planning to compensate skimmers who come up empty handed, with a “souvenir” barrel of BP brine, complete with a pinhole sized leak and a tar ball sealing kit.
Alternative Solutions Dissolve in the Gulf Water Debate
Meanwhile, scientists at the Boston Aquarium were said to be furiously working on a new breed of tropical plankton that will be able to digest oil and excrete premium gasoline. Aquarium officials denied that they were working against MIT’s saltwater engine project. Rather, aquarium scientists said that a biological solution to the BP oil spill would prove to be more “holistic, appropriate and earth loving” than a salt-sucking engine built by a nerd-centric university; so dominated by computer-geeks that students are assigned Sudoku puzzle books for literature class.
Marine Scientist Jeffrey Fishstein, better known as “Stein,” summed up the view of the Boston aquarium scientists:
“We have tremendous respect for the abilities of MIT scientists. But face it, a MIT brain will look at a problem and build some confabulated mechanical device that can’t replace itself, or reproduce, after it wears out. If you don’t believe me, just ask the wife or girlfriend about the dating skills of anyone working in an MIT lab.
The sustainable solution to this oil spill has to be biological since it was ancient plants and animals that were crushed to make oil in the first place.”
MIT scientists hit back saying that millions of years of geological “pressure” and “physical heat” created oil and that a biological solution to the Gulf Cleanup was as dead as the plants that long ago had been crushed into oil by the “more relevant, powerful, and universal” physical forces that MIT scientists study.
The White House ordered engineers and biologists to quit squabbling and said the core problem was neither mechanical nor biological but “economic.” The White House backed up its point by saying that hundreds of hours of intense public pressure and media heat had crushed BP profits — and White House political ratings — into a dead inorganic brine which could prove to be combustible later in the year.
Meanwhile additional White House leaks indicated that scientists and ministers at Baton Rouge Bible Academy had secretly had begun working on plan C; which would:
Use Powerful Barge Hoses and House Prayer to direct the Gulf Stream current to carry Gulf oil plumes across the Atlantic Ocean so that oil and sticky tar balls “righteously” plop up on the shores of British beaches.