For over a thousand years tribalism and warlord rivalry have prevented Afghanistan from functioning as a modern state with a strong government and central air conditioning. However, as Pashtu Chiefs, Tajik governors, and Farsi speaking tribal leaders step aside and recognize the authority of the Karzai government in Kabul, American War Lords have stepped in to fill the vacuum.
Af-Pak chief coordinator, Richard Holbrooke, aggressively told Kabul reporters that all U.S.-Afghan policy initiatives had to be cleared by his upper right ego. Mr. Holbrooke asserted that he had the authority to put disrespectful military commanders under 24-hour “outdoor tent” arrest.
U.S. Ambassador, Eikenberry, quickly responded to Mr. Holbrooke’s statement by asserting that the U.S. embassy in Kabul must clear all American military movements. He also said that he was adding a 15% surcharge to any U.S. expenditure inside Afghanistan or to any expenditure involving U.S. material shipments to, or from, Afghanistan. Mr. Ikenberry said embassy surcharges were needed to cover the rising expense of collecting embassy surcharges.
U.S. Army General David Rodriguez responded to the civilian statements by telling a group of reporters — embedded inside a ware-house full of military paperwork — that, on the contrary, his own battle-field tested instincts had final say over all U.S. Afghan policy and subsequent military movements.
General Rodriguez asserted that if the embassy or Mr. Hoolbroke’s office ignored his instincts he would have them Court Martialed for wearing civilian suits and ties while impersonating a warlord.
CIA Director Leon Panetta responded by striking nine Taliban operatives in North Pakistan with six drone-launched missiles.
Chief of NATO Operations, Anders Rasmussen, announced that all Afghan policy decisions must be faxed, one week in advance, to NATO’s headquarters office for translation into six EU languages — and Braille — and be subjected to committee review. The NATO representative said that after first stage committee clearance, U.S. decision makers would be invited to his chateau for a session of policy bargaining, wine tasting and America bashing.
CIA Director Panetta responded by striking six Taliban operatives in East Afghanistan with forty drone-launched bottles of wine.
Senator McCain surged into a CNN news studio and ordered all Afghan policy decisions and military plans to be sent to his Senate office for “independent” review and maverick commentary.
President Obama praised the American-Afghan team for helping break the Afghan people from their 15th century warlord mentality and teaching Afghanistan the fundamental principles of running a democratic government.
CIA Director Panetta responded by striking nine unused voting booths in North Afghanistan with six drone-launched missiles.
North Afghan warlord Isamail Burni told a gathering of Tajik mayors that he was so impressed with American Democratic practices, that he had added a 15% surcharge to every U.S. government expenditure inside the Northern province and to any expenditure involving U.S. shipments to or from Northern Afghanistan. Surcharges were needed, said the Tajik warlord, to pay the expense of maintaining a “democracy “surcharge office.
CIA Director Panetta responded by striking the U.S. embassy surcharge office with four drone-launched accountants.
Secretary of State Hilary Clinton helicopter dropped into Kabul and ordered all U.S. battle plans to be sent to her cell-phone’s game entertainment archive. She also announced that she was putting a “qualified” woman in charge of all Afghan surcharges and relabeling them: Miss-charges. Ms. Clinton then called on all Afghan women to throw down their veils and collect their Miss-charge dues.
CIA Director Panetta responded by striking the U.S. State Department with four drone-launched affirmative action statements.
Afghan President Karzai announced that all Afghan military recruits must pay an American education surcharge fee equal to the cost of a pair of “mountain” sandals.
The Afghan president said any recruit who failed to pay the surcharge would be sent to the U.S. embassy Miss-charge office, where unveiled American women publicly humiliate recruits by lecturing them about the rights of Afghan women.
A Los Angeles airport computer sent thousands of websites the announcement that Drone-Aircraft were taking charge of U.S-Afghan policy. The computer stated that any U.S.-Afghan policy maker who refused orders would have their PowerPoint presentation slides zapped from their hard disk.
CIA director Leon Panetta announced that he was resigning from the CIA and taking up a consultant position as Supreme North Afghan Tajik Warlord. Mr. Panetta promised that he would convert all North Afghan Sur-charges into Miss-charges and provide every mud hut in Northern Afghanistan with American style central air conditioning.