As AIG sells its buildings and divisions to pay back Uncle Sam, a recently laid-off employee, who claims to have only received half of his million dollar bonus, is raising funds by publishing the internal memos of soon-to-be-former CEO Edward Liddy. The following is a Kindle excerpt; full download is available for $29.99:
TO: AIG Employees
FR: Edward Liddy
DATE: March 16, 2009
RE: Annual Welcome Spring Bacchanalia
Due to the media coverage featuring the surprising tar-and-feathering incidents of executives who received bonuses financed by redirected public school and well-baby health care funds, the plans for the Welcome Spring Bacchanalia (formerly titled the Major League A.S.S.E.S. Training Program) have been revised. Under advisement from our PR consulting firm, the venue has been changed from The Breakers in Palm Beach to a public park in the Bronx.
The original week-long program, scheduled for early April, will be condensed into a half-day event to be held next Saturday. Due to a pending sexual discrimination lawsuit, the event, formerly restricted to male A.S.S. executives, is now open to all AIG employees and their families.
Management is confident that the Bronx park venue will provide a secure, private location free of hot tar and reporters. The office cleaning staff has cleared the park and surrounding neighborhood of all torches, bubbling oil, pitchforks, and residents.
The celebrity golf tournament will be relocated to Monolo’s Miniature Golf and Pawn Shop, adjacent to the park. Paula Abdul and Rosie Perez will participate, raising money to rebuild AIG staffers’ primary residences that were burned down this week by fire-wielding taxpayers. Bertha in the Travel Department has the air-transport schedule for arson-displaced employees now commuting to work from their second homes in East Hampton.
Don’t forget your top-siders! The Anti-regulation Regatta is setting sail! Yacht captains are asked to bring remote-controlled replicas of their sloops, which will be raced in the storm drain overflow area of the park. We will reschedule the full-scale racing event in the near future, after the few remaining investigative journalism news outlets have folded.
The Breakers’ “sporty casual” dress code will still apply. Please refrain, however, from wearing any polo shirts, madras blazers, straw boater hats, bow ties, or Nantucket reds bearing the AIG logo. Avoid red and blue clothing, as these colors are associated with two high-profile competing organizations operating on the streets in this area.
Menu: In an effort to reduce our carbon footprint, AIG is going locovore! Instead of flying in the picnic lunch from The Breakers, Rasta Catering on 174th St. will provide a spread of jerk chicken and East River caviar out of the trunk of their vintage El Jefe ’65 Chevy lowrider. As this is a family event, no alcohol will be served. Mountain Dew and Jarritos Guava Soda will be substituted for the vintage 1959 Dom Perignon originally listed on the program menu. The lowrider buffet will be located in the parking lot adjacent to the paddleball court and port-a-johns.
Important health notice: For those with dermal intolerance to synthetic fibers, it is advised that you refrain from participating in the Bacchanalia golf tournament. Mses. Abdul and Perez’s managers have communicated that their clients will be attired in Lycra-blends and acrylics.
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