News from the Future

June 2029 – The world’s top automaker on Monday issued a recall on 2027, 2028 and 2029 models of the FreeWheeler, the selfReliant, and the Auto Nomis. The move was made under pressure from the Consumer Product Safety Commission, which has received numerous complaints from owners of the self-driving cars.

“Consumers are telling us that these vehicles are aggressively weaving in and out of traffic, honking loudly at slow-moving cars and causing numerous accidents — some of them fatal,” said CPSC Chairman Dee Fecht. “Suffice it to say that these vehicles are a little bit too intelligent — to the point of being obnoxious.”

After Japan-based Toyota bought up Ford, the last of the U.S. automakers, in 2017, it began rolling out the intelligent vehicles as a way to make traffic patterns more orderly and to reduce accidents. The cars drive themselves based on programming input by their owners. Some of the higher-end models, designed specifically for commuters, will even blow dry your hair and brush your teeth on the way to work.

But the newer models are packed with so much processing power and memory that they have begun to develop their own forms of impatience, hostility and selfishness on the roadways – echoing the road rage epidemic that began sweeping the nation in the late 20th century (and that the intelligent cars were expected to alleviate). The cars fall into fits of anger, and begin overriding the passenger commands. Some are even shouting profanities over their speaker systems.

Toyotaford has agreed to virtually lobotomize the new intelligent cars at its own expense so that they are more docile and obedient.

The recall marks the first incident involving out-of-control automated machines since Dyson was forced to fix intelligent vacuum cleaners that began attacking household pets—particularly cats and small dogs.