If you’re not a girl like me, then you’re probably a guy like me. And, being a guy like me, you have probably found yourself in a situation where you really like a girl, but just don’t quite know how to impress her. Be it the girl in your homeroom, the girl next door, or your wife, you just never seem to be able to show them that you’re the man for them.

Well, I know this is a sticky subject for most so I’m just going to go ahead and lay down some basic sure fire tactics that’ll just scream “I’m Mr. Right, you big, ugly moron!” to that special someone.

Ok, first things first, we have to clarify what women like. I think this is pretty simple, they want someone with brains, brawn, and two hands, and that’s basically it.

Now that we’ve narrowed down what they want, we have to talk about how to get them to go on a date with you so that you can show them you have the stuff dreams are made of. Now, and all women are created different, but if you were to simply go up to the lady you’ve been eying and just kind of start pulling on her hair, playing with her face, and buttoning and unbuttoning her sleeve, you should be in. These activities will really draw her attention to the fact that both of your hands are intact, and yes, you know how to use them.

That’s all it should take to get yourself a first date, and, if by chance it doesn’t, just say, “Hey girl, I’m fixin’ on saving up for a new toaster.” Girls love that kind of talk, I’d imagine.

So, now that you’re out on a date with her it’s time to really shine. First, let’s show off how smart you are. This is easy. When you’re at dinner just pull a brand new Rubik’s cube out of your pocket and set it on the table and smile. She may give you a confused look at first and ask something like, “What is this for?” Don’t let her fool you, she thinks you solved it and would probably murder someone for you already.

She may also say something like, “Um, it looks like you just bought that thing and haven’t messed it up yet” This is a little trickier. In this case you have no choice but to screw it up, take it to the bathroom, and roll it around on the floor until it’s completed. This may take several years, but think of the alternative, trying to solve it in front of her…you can’t, no one can, that’s why it’s called a Rubik’s cube. You’d have better luck throwing it in the washing machine and putting it on the rinse cycle than solving it yourself.

OK, anyway, now you’ve shown her how smart you are, what’s next? You have to prove you’re a man that can stand up for himself and her if needed. To do this just look for the biggest man in the room and make absolutely certain he doesn’t have any arms. Go up to him and just smash him over the head with the heaviest loaf of bread you can find. You’re date will probably act like she’s all horrified by your actions and ask, “What’s the matter with you?” But don’t worry, women never say what they really think, and she really thinks you’re sweet.

Ok, so now she thinks your a genius AND brave, now what? The last thing you have to do is listen to the things she says about her likes and dislikes and prove you’re her match. For instance, let’s say she tells you she loves animals, what should you do? I’ll tell you. You should find the first person on the street that is walking a dog and start growling and gnawing on their hand until they let go of the leash. This way you can show your date that not only do you want the dog to be free, but you can also be a dog. Girls love dogs.

There you have it, the way into a woman’s heart. Just follow these steps and you’ll be married by next Tuesday. And, if by chance these things don’t work for you, then the ‘girl’ you’re trying to impress is probably just your grandpa’s old punching bag. Don’t worry, mistakes like that happen all the time, so get out there and find a real person!