A couple of months ago, I made the decision to lose weight and get in shape. I don’t know what I was thinking; I clearly had a momentary lapse of reason, but I’ve been going to the gym since then and it has been an interesting experience. So much to see and hear and learn about life!

The first few times I did my workout, which included just a few minutes on the elliptical machine, something strange happened and I thought I might have to go to the hospital. Stuff was pouring out of me, dripping down my face and chest. I went over to the manager of the gym and said, “Something’s wrong.”

“What?” he asked.

“Well, something is coming out of my pores and I’m all… wet-like. This can’t be good. This can’t be healthy.”

“It looks like you worked up a pretty good sweat. You’ll be fine.”

“So that’s what that is? Whew. Haven’t done that in a while. Maybe never. Are you sure this is normal?”

He assured me it was and we did not need to call 911, but I wasn’t really certain if I could believe him.

It’s often difficult to get motivated to go. It’s so much easier and more fun to sit for hours on the computer, mindlessly playing games, munching on chips and Snickers bars. However, I have motivators that seem to work. They are called Body Beautiful 1 and Body Beautiful 2.

On any given day, the thought of seeing these guys is enough to get me to lace up my sneakers, slap on some deodorant and make it out the door. BB1 is around 6’4” and is surely the cream of the crop of Western Pennsylvania’s gyms. Words can’t describe the sheer elegance, the perfection, the flawlessness of this guy’s physique. The long, lovely legs (yes, on a man! Who’d of thought?) Not to mention his impeccably coiffed sandy blond hair, perfectly white even teeth and subtle golden tan. BB2 is a shorter, darker version of BB1, but I’ll surely date either one of them when they ask me out!

I sneak peeks at them often, peering between pieces of equipment as I do my sets. That’s because of my rule: Never let them see you staring at them. I will simply not give them the satisfaction of catching me leering at them mostly because at my current weight and size, I haven’t earned the right to gaze upon their loveliness. Besides, I’m almost 46 and they are probably in their late 20s to early 30s. It’s just not right. But its fun to dream. Cougarville, here we come!

I can’t help admire some of the women, as well. The other day one gal was in the “Gold Members Only” room. She must be entering a body-building contest. I watched her as she stood making various poses for her trainer, in her high heels and teeny bikini. I couldn’t stop looking! Her perfect thighs, butt, back and arms were enough to make me head to the nearest Dairy Queen with a white surrender flag and order their Blizzard dessert in every flavor. I’ll never look like that, I thought! Why am I trying to kid myself?

There’s also a cast of characters that keep things interesting such as Fit Old Gal, and Fit ex-Marine. These two are kind of a geriatric soap opera on steroids. By the way FOG looks and interacts with FEM and brings him up in all our conversations, I think she has a crush on him. I can’t figure out if they are just friends, dating, or Friends with Benefits, but I’m dying to find out! She’s in her 70s and he’s in his 50s. You go girl!

Then there’s the conversations that take place. One time a guy was bragging quite loudly to a friend, “With this lifting I’m doing, I’ll be looking so hot all the ladies will be stopping in the middle of their sets just to catch a glimpse of me.”

Appropriately, one of the ladies yelled over to him, “Did you hear me roll my eyes from here?”

“Yeah, and when you were rolling them you took a good look at me,” he replied.

Honey, I thought, you can’t compare to BB1 and BB2 and never will! But keep trying.

These kinds of comments are typical in a place where most of the members spend more time gazing at themselves in the mirrors then they do working out. So when someone tells you they worked out for 4 hours? Trust me, counting mirror time, they only worked out for an hour and a half. Of course, my mirror time is limited because the reflection looking back isn’t All That. Not yet, anyway. But as long as BB1 and BB2 keep coming, I’ll get there!