The George and Jeanne lifestyle centers around eating, sleeping and watching TV. As we reclined on the sofa, our protruding stomachs made great book holders. In retrospect, this was not good. We decided to create our own diet plan without consulting any so-called experts.
George and Jeanne’s Weight Loss Plan
• Buy books about healthy cooking. Read them.
• Throw out unhealthy foods.
• Replace them with healthy foods.
• Eat healthy foods.
• Lose weight. Be happy.
• Buy tons of new clothes.
There were at least a gazillion diet books in the book store. We sorted through the ones on the Clearance Rack but wondered…
1. Why were they on Clearance?
2. Maybe the diet didn’t work. Maybe people got fatter.
3. Maybe people actually died trying those Clearance recipes.
Cheap diet books seemed like invitations to failure. Five full-priced books later, we headed home. For the next few days, I pored over the books, putting colorful page holders on the pages with edible recipes on them. Anything with non-pronounceable ingredients were immediately discarded. Anything that took more than 15 minutes to make was eliminated.
We cleaned out all the unhealthy food in our cabinets and pantry. Unhealthy food was defined as snacks, desserts, anything that tastes really good and that we like to eat just before bed.
Then we tackled the refrigerator. We collected 3 huge garbage bags full of unhealthy food we donated to my son, Cory, who loves nutritionally deficient food. Then we took inventory of what we had left.
Inventory of Healthy Foods
1 bag limp carrots
1 wrinkled green pepper
Outdated egg substitutes
1 speckled Granny Smith apple
2 mooshy bananas
It was obvious we needed some healthy food. We were on a mission to better living.
George tossed a loaf of bread in the cart.
Me: “That’s not healthy bread.”
George, determined to complete the shopping in 5 minutes. “It says Healthy right here.”
He pointed to the wrapper where, indeed, it did say Healthy.
Me: “It has to have whole grains in it.”
I picked up a dense loaf of bread that weighed 15 pounds. I tossed it in the cart where it flattened the package of green grapes.
George: “We need cereal.”
He was striding in his manly way to the cereal aisle. I struggled to keep up but the weight of the bread slowed the cart down, flattening a tire.
George looked up and down and selected a box. “There! Part of a healthy breakfast!”
Me: “George, did you read these ingredients? 14 words mean sugar in the ingredients panel. There’s enough carbohydrates to inflate a hot air balloon the size of North Dakota.”
George spoke in an injured tone. “It says that it’s part of a healthy breakfast!”
Me: “It is. It’s the unhealthy part. You have to have healthy stuff with it.”
George was getting surly. “What do you want me to do?”
Me: “I really need help on the fruits and vegetables from produce.”
That would keep him busy for 10-15 minutes.
It was not meant to be. In 4 minutes flat, George returned with an armful of celery, broccoflower, asparagus, endive, tomatoes, some plantains, plums and 3 stalks of sugarcane. And who buys sugarcane? He said it was good for fiber. Good for beavers maybe.
We spent $200.00, $50.00 which could have been refunded if I had remembered my coupons. We went home and put away the new healthy food.
Me: “We have to drink tons of water. It makes you pee the fat away.”
George: “I don’t like water.”
Me: “What do you mean? Water has no taste.”
George: “It makes me gag.”
Me: “How can something with no taste make you gag? That makes no sense.”
For 2 weeks, we followed the recipes. I took lunches to work, avoided sugar and carbohydrates such as cookies, cakes and desserts that make you die.
One day, Monday, March 13th, the George and Jeanne ceased to exist. We don’t know why.
This prompted a Meaningful Conversations.
Me: “George, this isn’t working.”
I looked at George, disbelieving. “We are eating junk food. My pants are too tight. And your spare tire has grown.”
George looked down. “Oh, that!”
So far being in my 50’s is not fun. I have to eat healthy foods and exercise. My medicine chest resembles an extra room and all my clothes have expandable waistbands. I’m just wondering… what’s going to happen at 60?