What’s my pick for one of the greatest television theme songs of all time? The theme to 60 Minutes! You read me right. The originality, the rawness, and that dead-as-a-doornail ticking that kicks off every week’s episode are sheer genius. Who thought of that? No baseline, no drumbeat, no singing, not a single luxury. The only form of information delivery to the viewers is a watch, and a panel of old journalists slapping us with a few seconds long barrage of teaser info. Incredible! It’s the only theme song in the history of television that has new lyrics every week sandwiched between a clean-ticking Timex that’s been second hand sweeping itself since the early seventies. That almost sounds perverse.
Hee-Haw is probably the only other show that comes close to having new lines thrown in every episode’s opening credits musical number, but I never liked it when they tried to spice it up. I mean, there were only so many thinly-disguised Kentucky incest jokes I could take from Buck Owens and Grandpa. Products of that sort of thing should never try to laugh it off. It didn’t help that they played banjos on that show which just triggered memories that made me feel even worse for Ned Beatty. Dirty.
But with 60 Minutes, the show’s writers will throw in a couple of lines about the sexiest woman alive, and her stretch mark-free waistline after cranking out her latest batch of twins; you just never know. Each week, the lyrics are as fresh as possible, and never lose their luster. No other show can do this and get away with it. The theme is always totally unpredictable unless you see the sneak peek commercials during a football game before the show.
The cool thing about it all is that anyone can write the words to the 60 Minutes Theme. I thought I’d sit down and give it a shot. So, what follows is my version of the theme to one of the greatest shows ever created. Sing along if you want.
The Theme to 60 Minutes
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick…
This man is one of the biggest crooks in the United States. He once specialized in collecting social security benefits from the deceased. We’ll show you how he did it for almost twenty years, and how he made the mistake that led to his capture by U.S. Marshals.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick…
What’s it like to be named Time magazine’s Man of the Year? Just ask Gore Vidal. We’ll talk to him about this, and his upcoming novel about the faked moon landings the U.S. government and Buzz Aldrin don’t want your taxpaying rear end to know about.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick…
They’re currently among the most popular of all automobiles, but just how safe are sport utility vehicles? Are they more a hazard than they’re worth? We’ll speak to a select panel of automotive experts, and find out just what the %#$@!& the government’s doing to force the big automakers to improve their safety records and specs?
Tick, tick…
Morley Safer: Hi, I’m Morley Safer.
Leslie Stahl: I’m Leslie Stahl.
Jane Wiedlin: I’m Jane Wiedlin of the Go-Go’s filling in for a mentally ill Dan Rather.
Steve Croft: Hi, I’m Steve Croft, and I enjoy fishing and collecting bottlecaps.
Harry Reasoner: I’m the ghost of Harry Reasoner filling in for my once physical form of being.
Ed Bradley: What’s up, I’m Ed Bradley. I’m in the same boat as Reasoner, but I used to hang out with Harrison Ford; and I could kick Bernard Shaw’s bootie anytime.
Marcel Marceau:
Regis Philbin: And I’m Regis Philbin filling in this week for Mike Walrus. These stories and more — including some whiny commentary by Mickey Rooney about why we machine-wash bath towels after wiping down our clean post-shower bodies, or how people love the smell of backyard burgers topped with onions, but are repulsed by the same onion stench when it’s coming from some guy next to them on an elevator — coming up tonight on another edition of 16 Minutes.