People who say they love that good old country air have never been outside when the farmers have been spreading manure.

Where I live, the first true sign of spring is the sight of the big green (and brown) manure trucks, affectionately known as honey wagons, barreling down the road at 15-20 breakneck miles an hour, backing up traffic for miles, leaving a not-exactly-bread-crumb trail down the road as far as the eye can see.

To be in one those parades is a rite of spring, to be the lead car is an experience few can describe. After the parade has passed your house it makes you less eager to go out and get your mail for a couple of days. A normal sized field of freshly spread manure will take your breath away, sometimes for good.

I’ve driven down the road and seen beautiful white houses, complete with swing sets in the back yard, hemmed in on three sides by literally acres of liquid cow manure. An island of suburban tranquility in a sea of crap. Not exactly like a Currier & Ives painting (maybe a Rotor Rooter painting).

I can envision the mothers telling the little ones; “Don’t play in the brown grass” or “No wading in the back yard without your shoes.”

One beautiful spring night my wife and I saw one of the trucks in action beautifying the scenery, the brown mess being sprayed in all directions like it was being shot out of a water cannon, and the driver sitting there, window down, arm resting comfortably, sipping on a can of Coke. Made my mouth water. My eyes as well. I guess some things do go better with Coke.

The worst part of this time of year is that every dog I’ve owned seems to think this stuff is the equivalent of bubble bath. They just roll in it in a fit of ecstasy. Then they stand downwind at the door so you don’t notice it right away, and when you open the door a crack they bolt in and head for the couch.

As you scream at them they very penitently get down and go lie on your bed instead. Soon the whole house, indoors and out, is filled with the sweet aroma of Springtime in the country. It just makes you want to have a party and invite all of your city friends.

Which is not a bad idea, because after doing that they won’t bother you for the rest of the summer.