A. Anacin episode: The huge headache you get when being informed that the factory where you have slogged for the past thirty-two years is closing down because the labor is cheaper in Tijuana, Mexico.
B. Bloomingdale moment: When you suddenly realize the exact same raincoat that you purchased at Bloomingdale’s last week is 75% off at Wal-Mart.
C. Cat philosopher: You have so much free time on your hands that you start debating with your wife whether a dog is a better pet than a cat.
D. Dog philosopher: In order to get your husband of thirty years to shut up about how much better dogs are than cats, you simply agree with whatever he says.
E. Elephantiasis: The gradual hardening of your husband’s arteries caused by continuously lying in front of the TV and watching Gunsmoke reruns on DVD, this a result of losing the job at the factory.
F. Fifty: The age at which: one becomes solidly disillusioned, begins menopause, develops arthritis, begins starting stage of Alzheimer’s, becomes agnostic, the body starts to atrophy, all in all, an age that everyone looks forward to.
G. G-spot realization: You turn fifty and you conclude – based on scientific trial and error analysis – that the G-spot does not exist.
H. Hissy fit: The actions taken by a woman in her fifties whose husband will not allow her to buy her 400th pair of shoes. Sometimes the fit takes place in a public setting like a shopping mall, which is called a public hissy fit; other times the fit takes place in the home, which is called hell.
I. Irrational: A baby boomer.
J. Junior’s homecoming: Your thirty-year-old married son calls you up and tells you that he is moving back in with you because he has also lost his job at the factory (see ‘A’).
K. Kundi: Your wife is having a hissy fit at home (see ‘H’). You don’t want to make the situation worse but you just have to shut her up. In order to confuse her, you deliver the Hindi equivalent, “Oh, kiss my kundi!”
L. Language barrier: When your wife tells you, “If you’re ready, I’m ready,” and all you hear is, “It’s time to cut the grass.”
M. Maxed out: Is when you have to see a therapist because all twelve of your credit cards have reached their pre-determined spending limits.
N. Nostalgia: Is when you long to see reruns of ‘The Jeffersons’ and ‘Late Night with Johnny Carson’ on TV.
O. Oh hell moment: You’re out with the boys on a Saturday night, you’ve run up a $1,000.00 tab at Wild Bill’s Tavern and you suddenly realize that you left your wallet in your house.
P. Penile dysfunction: Occurs when your mind is willing but your manhood and your missus are not.
Q. Quarantined: Is when your wife does not allow you to leave the bedroom because you have a bad case of flatulence.
R. Railroaded: When your wife of thirty years leaves you to run off with a rail engineer working for CSX.
S. Stuck-in-a-rut: You have put up with the naggin’, the groanin’, the bitchin’ and the complainin’ for thirty years. You don’t have any valid grounds for divorce so you just become a philosopher.
T. Technologically challenged: You’re passing The Sharper Image and you realize you’ve never held an I-Phone, a PDA, an X-Box or a Blackberry in your hands.
U. Underground Utopia: Is the place where your grown up, married children and their kids come to escape their horrid living conditions, better known as your house.
V. Viagra: Viagra
W. Wainscot: Wooden lining of the lower part of the walls of a room. (Oh yeah? how ’bout you trying to write 26 funny phrases about baby boomers).
X. X-files: The hundreds of files and folders that are lying in your attic collecting dust that you are too lazy to organize and too afraid to throw away because they may be needed during an IRS audit one fine day.
Y. Your youth: Something you can’t go back to, can’t own rent or lease, can’t purchase, can’t relive and can’t remember much of anymore.
Z. Zombie: What you have turned into ever since your husband lost his job (see ‘A’), your eldest son and his kids moved back in with you (see ‘J’), you are maxed out (see ‘M’), you just turned fifty (see ‘F’), and you came to know that there is no such thing as a G-spot (see ‘G’).