According to many of America’s highly recognized and lowly intelligent experts, the greatest threat to American security (besides global warming) is America’s own military. This is true because, and I quote, “Our army is broken.” So said Lawrence J. Korb, a senior fellow at the Center for American Progress, an official-sounding club for Harvard graduates who couldn’t find high paying occupations.

This is interesting because I guess I simply assumed that certain threats such as global terrorism or WMDs or the economy or Conan O’Brien’s hair were at the top of America’s Most Unwanted Threats list. Silly me.

Obviously I am not a Harvard-bred expert. But since the overwhelming majority of American experts have Thai noodles and curry for brains and still somehow never fail to dazzle and awe us Americans watching Nightly News when Brian Williams states, “And now hold onto your seats as we intently listen to the sage and magical words of this evening’s Ivy League graduated expert” (could just as well said “wizard”), I will therefore proclaim myself one. You might want to sit down, if you are not already, because words from self-proclaimed experts have a tendency to make some people faint with wonderment, and I will not be held responsible for you crashing face first into your computer screen.

As all greatly recognized experts do, I am compelled to begin with a problem. This is not hard. Where do I start? Wow! Is this what experts feel like every time they are about to state a problem?! This smart?!

Anyway, these are a few of the humongous issues looming over America today, which I expertly came up with: oil, Iran and Asian carp.

Let’s begin with oil prices since it’s the easiest issue to pin a culprit to. We all know who to blame for insanely over-priced oil: caribou. This is because a little more than five years ago a bill barely passed through the Senate which rejected any chance of drilling for oil within the boundaries of the vast Alaskan wildlife refuges, which collectively are about the size of all of Asia. How this actually was possible has been a very well-hidden secret. The truth is, where the Republicans had pro-oil lobbyists and billions of dollars, the Democrats had herds of caribou and trillions of tons of snow. The polar bears also offered their services—doing the dirty work, such as eating oil company employees entering the no-drill zone. This was all performed at the behest of the caribou, however. So they are to blame.

Next we have Iran, the molding leftover from the axis of evil meal that no one wants to eat. They are a serious threat to America, obviously, because they are next door neighbors to Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Turkmenistan, Nuclearwaristan, and the Arabian Sea—all who either are or should be invaded by the U.S. So we can see that Iran is a threat to our society, seeing that they also have so much oil that they use it as a frequently served cafeteria meal in the grade schools, and that the caribou stole ours in Alaska. Add uranium and Russian scientists to the mix, and you have a baseball, apple pie and Hollywood threatening salmagundi.

Which brings me to my third threat: Asian carp. I read an article about how they are at this very moment invading North America more effectively than the French did in the 17th century—which isn’t saying much—and breaking fishermen’s noses along the way. This is no joke. According to the same article, these Asian sea monsters can get up to over 100 pounds in weight and jump out of the water as high as 15 feet, injuring anglers in the process, which I can’t exactly hold against them, being that it was obviously in self-defense. According to the same article and Wikipedia, they eat so much plankton that within a decade the entire United States will be an oversized desert. But don’t let their name fool you—Asia is not to blame (although I am sure China encouraged them). We can blame our own homegrown Arkansas fish farmers, whose crude manner of ranching was no match for the Asians’ technologically advanced methods of escape.

Now, unlike most experts, I am going to give you solutions. I propose we sign a peace pact with the caribou—which would also include their polar bear hitmen—and Asian carp. Then naturalize them so we can draft them into our armed forces and replace our “broken army” and navy with the well rested Alaskan Wildlife Battalion and Leaping Leviathans Task Force. The caribou can take command and administrative positions in Iraq, and the polar bears can again do the dirty work, like eating would-be suicide bombers and invading Iran. The carp would focus on blockading Iran from the sea and confiscating all oil transports. This would pay for our entire Middle East invasion and also lower gas prices at home, so we can spend more money on Harvard expert degrees.