Anyone who has been married, or who has known someone who got married, is familiar with the bridal registry. It’s what engaged couples do to help the people that they invited to the wedding, but don’t really know, find a thirty dollar wine glass.

You know the people I’m talking about. It’s the people that the mothers of the bride and groom insisted be invited, because the mothers of the bride and groom had to suffer through their children’s weddings.

You know the glass I’m talking about, too. Or the place setting. Or the grape dish (which has got to be one of the more useless crystal do-dads ever invented.) It’s no wonder you only use the stuff on holidays. You’ve got to minimize the risk of breakage. That friend of your mother’s may have bought it the first time, but the odds are long that she’ll be willing to replace it when some schmuck knocks it off the end table.

Anyone who has been married as long as I have probably drinks out of jelly jars or something with a Disney character on it, anyway.

Did you know that you can be registered at Target? Target calls it “Club-Wedd”. What a cute name. If you could register at a funeral parlor, do you suppose they would call it “Club-Dead”? If they did it at K-Mart, would they have blue-light specials on those thirty dollar wine glasses?

A groom-to-be once gave me this advice: Pick one thing having to do with your wedding and insist on getting your way. It will create the illusion for your bride-to-be that you have an opinion (although you probably don’t) about something that was clearly designed for her benefit. Face it: if they designed weddings for the benefit of the groom, couples would be registered at Black and Decker.

In point of fact, my wife’s twin sister gave me a circular saw for a wedding present. She remains my favorite in-law to this day. I use the saw at least once a month.

That grape dish that my mother’s friend gave us is still in the box.